.maaah.[beeerfday].

"I want your love and I want your revenge you and me could write a bad romance! I want your love and all your lover's revenge, you and me could write a bad romance!"

Theme song of the night! I'm definately happier than I've been in a long time. Last night... yesterday... wow. It was all just AMAZING! I couldn't have asked for anything else. Thanks to all of my wonderful friends and my family for making the day UNFORGETTABLE! And to all of my friends on FB for the b-day wishes! I honestly haven't ever had a birthday that great. I couldn't be any happier:)

Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

.[speechless].&.valentine.loniliness.

"take a glass to mend all the broken hearts of all my wrecked up friends!"


I've been fighting for... well for what I want. And I keep being dissappointed. I hate the feeling of being let down by people... by the world. It's all insane. The world changes every minute. But people don't. I'm amazed that the people I surround myself with are so... Predictable. There's no point in pushing them to be someone they aren't, especially when I hate people pushing me to do and be someone I'm not.

Oh and p.s. I need a vacation. So if anyone is making a trip somewhere, maybe invite me... or ignore me. haha whatever works for you.



Here's some random lyrics I wrote. It's kinda my "blah blah blah" moment of the night...


Sometimes the world
changes on a dime
spins and twirls
every time...

you make me smile,
even when you're gone,
it's been a while
since the battle was won.

I know you're trying,
and I know you meant well..
every time I'm dying
You showed me heart...

and I fell.... in love.

sometimes the world
changes on a dime
spins and twirls
all of the time!

you made m laugh
and you made me cry
I don't whats left
without eeing your eyes

I know you're trying
and I know you meant well
Every time I'm dying
you showed me your heart...

and i fell... in love.

.i'd.rather.be.[alone].-.amely.

Watch the Video Whilst reading the lyrics? I think yes!!!

Studio:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0JnhmoZOtY&NR=1

Live:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzmLU7KdCS0

Lyrics - I'd Rather Be Alone

Well I'll be fine
Just laying here tonight
Thinking about the world
If you don't mind
Then let me be
So I can feel alive again

For I've been hiding, I've been searching for a reason to escape
But I am trying, no I'm lying to myself cause I'm a fake
There's no other way to go
Oh I'd rather be alone
Cause I've been hiding, but I'm dying now
I'm giving up on hope

Tell me what you meant when you said you miss me
Tell me how you felt when you dared to kiss me
Oh Oh Oh, Oh Oh Oh, I'd rather be alone

Tell me what you meant when you said you miss me
Tell me how you felt when you dared to kiss me
Oh Oh Oh, Oh Oh Oh, I'd rather be alone

Well dear I mind
Now that you say you're trying
It's only getting worse
So leave my side
I don't need your lies
To write another verse

For I've been hiding, I've been searching for a reason I should stay
But I am trying, no I'm lying to another the same way
There's no other way to go
Oh I'd rather be alone
Cause I've been hiding, but I'm dying now
I'm giving up on hope

Tell me what you meant when you said you miss me
Tell me how you felt when you dared to kiss me
Oh Oh Oh, Oh Oh Oh, I'd rather be alone

Tell me what you meant when you said you miss me
Tell me how you felt when you dared to kiss me
Oh Oh Oh, Oh Oh Oh, I'd rather be alone

With no one right here by my side
I'll live a cold and lonely life
I'd rather be this way then give my love to just anyone

Tell me what you meant when you said you miss me
Tell me how you felt when you dared to kiss me
Oh Oh Oh, Oh Oh Oh, I'd rather be alone

Tell me what you meant when you said you miss me
Tell me how you felt when you dared to kiss me
Oh Oh Oh, Oh Oh Oh, I'd rather be alone

.black.and.white.[goodbyes].

The summer coming to an end, and me being the party planner I am, I pulled together a Black and White bash to end the summer in true fashion. Unlike normal people, I keep my parties exclusive and hence did not invite anyone other than my group of friends. Setting up took so much of my energy. We made several favors, and Set up hundreds of Christmas lights and prepared a bunch of food and such. I knew this party was when I would have to say goodbye to the two girls leaving for college, Anna and Shaunzi. Both would suck badly, because I was saying goodbye to two girls who were in love with me. Which as much as that just sounds like me bragging that girls love me, was true. I was parting with girls that honestly had a huge part of my life and I had a huge part of theirs. It wasn't going to be easy and we knew that.

As the party unfolded the kids (my nickname for the younger of my friends; Those still in high school) each said their goodbyes to Anna and Shaunzi and the party was winding down. Unfortunately for the three of us, we were left with the task of cleaning everything up, mean while thinking about saying goodbye and how much it was going to suck.

I had set up what I thought I would say to each of them, and had prepared the “straight boy” response to anything they may say. The plan quickly became that Anna and I would say goodbye first and I would txt Shaunzi to come out when we were done. Shaunzi and Anna said goodbye before Anna came outside to see me. I know that their goodbyes must have been intense, seeing as I sat in my car for a good 15 minutes before Anna came outside.

“Hi” She greeted.

“Hey, How was it?”

“It was good.” She seemed a bit drained, but ready to plow through yet another downer goodbye.

"Anna, You know I love you, right?"

"Yes and I love you Chase." I will cut out what I think is a personal conversation. But we went through everything about liking eachother, even though I knew I was gay, I had built up a relationship with Anna, and she was important to me. Just because I'm gay, doesn't mean I don't like the companionship that girls bring. They are much more loving that boys at most points in life. Anna asked me about moving, and what I thought would happen to everyone. Honestly, I thought the group would survive anything. I reassured her that nothing could ever tear apart the group and we would all be friends forever. I knew I would see Anna and that this wasn't truly goodbye, but it was hard. I'm not a huge cryer, but I couldn't help but being truly upset. I kept saying, "Anna, I love you! and I will miss you SO much." She and I said goodbye and I watched her leave. It was like watching part of your life hop in a car and leave the rest of you standing in the cold. Anna is a blessed girl and she deserves nothing but the best in this world, but that doesn't mean I get to spend time with her while she gets the best... I forget that sometimes.

Once Anna had gone, Shaunzi came outside, and I knew it was going to be hard. She had already cried with Anna, and I couldn't be much easier. Shaunzi is a special woman. She puts her heart into life... into her friends. I am only blessed to have her as a friend. As she walked out into the cold I had a feeling this would be the hardest thing I would do all year.

"Chase, what am I going to do without you."

"Shaunzi, you will be fine, and you will see me all the time. I don't care if I have to drive up to logan once a month just to see you. I will." Little did I know It was going to cost me a bunch of money in gas keeping my promise! I loved the fact that no matter how hard the situation was both of us had a solution to the problems we were facing. Most people think, "oh my friend is moving to logan... I guess I only get to see them on breaks and such." WE think, "Every other weekend you come up here, and I'll go down there." The PERFECT plan.

After literally freezing my self do death, I gave Shaunzi a huge hug, and said goodnight for the last time. It took me a good hour and a half to get through the Goodbyes. And honestly, I enjoyed it. I look back now, and feel like I really made the situation the best that I could have. Between the Kick ASS party, and the perfectly molded "straight-boy" responses... I think It was successful. I drove home feeling greatly satisfied, and parked outside my house for another half an hour. I didn't cry, but I had to take in everything that had happened. I let my body soak in the love of my friends. I let myself truly breathe and feel like I was important to the world. Something that didn't happen often before I came out. It's hard to be truly happy like that when you aren't being completely honest with yourself.

Black and White 2009 was simply one of the best nights of the year. I don't think the world could put a price on that night. You can't buy that kind of perfection.