Dear blog, I willst be postin something amazing (I guess) about Doris shacklebolt shauzi Shasta sweet shot my effing biaaaaatch byronius Maximus. Love - Walter

.blame.it.on.the.[girls].

So I was sittin' in the bar and this guy came up to me and he said, "my life stinks" and I saw his gold credit card and I saw the way he was lookin' at people across the room, and I looked at his face and you know what a good lookin' face... And I just said, "Dude, your perspective on life SUCKS!"

.my.first.[real].conversation.

Within the next few days I added Jordan on facebook. Once he accepted I wrote on his wall apologizing for the extreme awkwardness and asking about his audition for SYTYCD. He sent me a message saying it was no big deal, told me about not making the show, and left his number. Being the little gay boy I was, I was nervous about using the number. I kept the messages alive by asking about his life. It got to talking about me and being gay. By this time, he had told me I could txt him because facebook was taking forever.

Jordan and I made the decision that we should do something fun… for him this meant getting me out of Utah county so I could be more of myself. I was thrilled to do so, and we ended up going to gateway. Talking to him that day was extremely weird for me. It was like I had been asleep for 18 years, and was just then waking up and having the first conversation outside of dreams. I was really being me, and not the character I had been playing for all of those years. I had an extreme headache and my mind was running faster than it had ever in my life. While in a furniture store, my mom called me asking where I was. Of course I wasn’t’ going to tell her, ‘ I’m with Jordan Mikesell at the gateway shopping!’ so I told her I was in between sacraments and that I would be home around 4. She knew something was up, but didn’t ask much more.

Jordan and I left gateway and went to his parents’ house. He had been house-sitting for them, and it was vacant. I was stressing pretty bad at this point so we watched a few movies to calm down a bit. Although my brain hadn’t spun so terribly in my life, that day is still one of the best ever. It is unmatchable in the fact that I was finally myself. It was euphoric. I knew I was on track to coming out.

.chili’s.the.most.[awkward].place.on.earth.

It had been really slow at work and my manager cut me early enough that I could’ve had an entire night of fun, but at the time I didn’t have my car. I was waiting for someone to come and get me or something, I don’t remember. I walked out from the To-go cave, and see a familiar face at one of the tables. It’s Jordan Mikesell.

Growing up in my ward saw two different coming out stories; One being Tyler Christensen, who was angry at the world and made a huge scene and continues to make scenes. He will come into chili’s holding hands with his boyfriend, acting better than everyone in the store, and making their relationship known. Jordan on the other hand was different. At the time I knew very little about him coming out. I could remember few things about him. I knew he moved to Seattle, and I knew he was a dancer. His parents taught my Sunday school class and I could vividly remember a lesson his mom taught and she started crying whilst talking about homosexuality. I knew she was talking about Jordan, but obviously didn’t understand the situation.

I walked past the table acting like I hadn’t noticed he was there. I regretted the feeling immediately. Since he had come back to Utah I had heard too much about him, and had seen the wards reaction to him being in church. I hated that he was so criticized because it seemed to me he was only trying to be happy, and was doing what was best. People in Utah sucked in my opinion. I sat at the host stand waiting for my ride… and contemplated going to say hi. I couldn’t think of anything I could do… after all, the last thing I wanted was for him to think I’m a total retard. So what do I do? I went and asked my manager to run my discount on their check. She hesitated but ended up giving it to them. I took the 50% check and stopped by the table

“I had my manager run my discount card… so here you go” I practically threw it at him, and walked away.

“Thanks chase!” he said in response. I felt even more awkward then I could’ve imagined. I felt stupid immediately. I felt like there was a hundred other ways I could’ve done it, and definitely not looked so stupid. I resumed my waiting at the front of the restaurant. Wearing my sunglasses inside, clearly trying to avoid contact with Jordan and the girl and guy that were with him, I sat and watched him get up and walk to the bathroom. “WHOA is he hot” I sat there admiring. Skinny black jeans, white converse, a white shirt, and a black vest… (at least that’s what I remember;) ) When I got home that night all I could think of was how awkward I had been, and kept asking myself, “is this what being gay feels like? Is it always going to feel so… uncomfortable?”