.off.to.[tumblr].

if you follow me here, i suggest going to my new blog, where i will actually continue to post things.

walywalter.tumblr.com

I'm just done with blogspot... it's too... finicky.

LERVERS YOU ALL!!!

.hmmm.[interesting].

Well well well. Jessica is gone. Cyndel and Jarom will be home tomorrow, and Jack Ariel and Christian got home a couple hours ago. Give it a couple weeks when Jessica gets home and this summer will REALLY pick up! I'm so happy to be friends with all of them.

Oh and ps to everyone else (Caroline, Cody, Jeni-sage, Anna, D'Angelo, Lane, and everyone else....) don't think it's that I don't love you. It's just that I'm waiting for YOU to call me:) or for the opportunity to drive to where you are. Hahaha

I love ALLLLL of you. And I can't wait to see you all:) EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!!!!

.i.would.rather.pull.my.eyes.out.and.stomp.on.them.[OVER AND OVER AND OVER].

Hiking. NO
Moutains. NO
Fires with people I don't know. NO
Doing pretty much nothing. NO

AMEN. Praise the effing Jews.

.gonna.crap.a.[brick].

Doesn't the world just make you want to crap sometimes? Seriously. I want to throw a brick at my brain for hurting. And I also want to throw a brick at like 12 different people right now. Namely idina menzel for being so bloody talented!!! I watched a video of her singing today. One I've seen several times already, and it's seriously amazing. The sheer talent she has makes me want to crap into a mold of a brick and then throw it at my laptop while the video is playing. BLAH!!! I swear it's annoying. Why can't I have that!?

Oh and for those of you that read my blog, and not just select posts, I pulled a nerve today. I don't know if that's exactly what you would call it, but it hurts like none other. LIKE UNBELIEVABLY. seriously amazing. I wish I could go back and realize it was going to hurt all day to yawn, and make the decision not to yawn. But whatever.

And to my wonderful friends watching this completely LAME tv show. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!! let's do something else!!! Like take me home!!! I'm miserably bored!!! Seriously!!!

.[post.surgery].happiness.

I love cyndel, and her house, and her computer...

She probably doesn't read my blog... but I love her anyway:)

Anyway, I haven't written on my blog in a while... since my surgery! It's been a little over a month now, and I'm doing GREAT!!! I'm feeling awesome and most of the initial healing is over. I had the stitches on the on my jaw (outside close to my sideburns) removed the tuesday after surgery, and have been visiting with my ortho and surgeon practically weekly. Most of the feeling is back. JACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK!!!! (the joey... of the group) Having the feeling come back was actually completely miserable. It doesn't hurt, and it isn't itching, but it's almost.... bubbly. If you've ever popped a nerve you know what I mean.... I tried almost everything to help with sleeping and the irritation, even to the point of popping the actual razor off of my razor (which vibrates) and holding onto my jaw to itch the nerve.... it was horrible. I lost a good 20 pounds in the first 3 weeks, and have luckily kept most of it off. I think I look much more healthy now, but some people have been telling me I look anorexic, but I love it!!!

Happily I will get my braces of in about 6 months. I'm really excited to see the actual finished product when I have all the feeling back and have my pretty white teeth:) It'll be awesome!!! overall life is great and the surgery was a HUGE success!!!!

I just want to take a minute to say, I love my friends. They are the thing that makes me smile every day. Whether it's the people I see everyday, my co-workers, or the friends that I almost never see, but show up at chili's and say hi. I love everyone. I want them all to know that they make my world go round and I couldn't be happier to be part of each one of their lives.

.[day.of].

It's about 4:30 and I'm still in bed. But I'll be getting up in about half an hour to get showered and dressed to head to the hospital.... Had kinda a crappy night. Got in a couple arguments. Dealt with stupid drama from people that I hardly even care about. And meanwhile my brain runs about a million miles an hour thinking about my surgery. It's going to be so insane to look in the mirror and not see... Well me. I know that sounds really stupid. But you get accustomed to seeing yourself, and then you go and do something like this. And well. It's different. But I'm so excited!!

I already kinda had a melt down on Facebook about this but yeah... Lemme copy it so I can bring you up to speed....

"You know what I'm sick of. I'm sick of people over exaggerating the influence of slang terms. Let's be honest. If I want to say something. And yes, I've "thought before I said it" then I'm going to say it. Man kind puts power behind words. The impact something someone says has on you is simply up to you. So take your opinion and shove it. There you go. I thought about it! Oh and as far as blacks calling themselves niggers, whites - crackers, gays - queers, lesbians - dykes, and whatever else you can come up with. I say get over it. I could decide that the word alphabet means stupid inflamatory bitch, and you'd be mad? It's all your decision and interpretation."

so basically. I keep hearing people saythings like, "don't say 'that's so gay' because it's rude" and "don't say 'that's retarded' because people who are retarded will be offended". Well number one. I'm gay. And I say that's gay ALL THE TIME!!! it's a figure of speech it's not supposed to be an association to being gay. If that was how it is people would say. Oh my that pizza is dumber than being gay. Or dumber than a gay person. It's ridiculous. Half of the people upset about the "that's gay" comment ARENT EVEN GAY!!! so I say get over it.

As far as the "retard" goes. That's a little more understandable. I think mybiggest frustration is that, majority of the time that I'm saying "retard" or "retarded" I'm mocking myself. And if I want to call myself retarded, then by golly I'm going to call myself retarded. Honestly. I don't think that it's THAT big of a deal, if when I do something stupid that I say, " sorry I'm so retarded." but maybe it is. Maybe the world is going to freeze over because one human being used a word in the English language that connotates retardation. Language is an interpretive influencer. If someone was yelling at me in Japanese, I might know a few of the things they are saying, but I'm not going to be mad, because of the words they are using, I'm going to be mad because they are yelling at me. Same goes for using these terms. People aren't saying "that's gay" or "I'm retarded" to be offensive. It's a slang term they have chosen to use. Give them their free agency and back off.

More updates from my surgery will come once I'm coherent enough to write:) love y'all!!!

.and.then.they.cut.my.[jaw].well.they.will.

So I'm sitting here... Watching um... Seven brothers? Haha I don't really know. Well yeah. And i can't think about anything other than my surgery. I have about 31 hours. And then I'll be pretty much miserable for a good month. So what am I going to do? Wait for my friends to visit:) haha yeah. And then my friend Ariel said she's awesome. [if I was a woman I would dress and be exactly like Ariel:)] so yeah:)

:)

so yeah. I'm gonna go back to burning the last 31 hours of insanity left!!! Blog you later bitches:)

.but.with.[boobs].

And yoda is no more.... :(

I was in a car accident ya'll. Yep.

Basically I was driving to work and Rear ended a chicka driving on main street in American Fork. As far as I'm concerned she didn't have her turn signal on and waited till the last second to brake... but even if I think it's her fault, the law will make it mine. So yeah I'm just accepting it. But my car is totalled. It's in a junkyard:( which is totally sad but yeah.

As far as being hurt in the accident, I'm totally fine. I had a gouge on my arm, which My BESTEST friend ashley was actually at the intersection and helped me a TON! she was my knight in shining armor.... but with boobs. and she helped me more than the effing medical staff that showed up!

Soooo yeah. I have a court date tomorrow to get a fix-it ticket removed that I got before the accident. And I'm in the process of coming up with money to buy a honda. Donations are accepted:) haha And I'm all over the place because my surgery is in less than two weeks. Literally it's a week from monday! April 5th! I couldn't be more excited...

Anywho... thanks for the thoughts and for being such great friends, and readers:) You are ALL my BESTEST friends. LERVE YOU

.maaah.[beeerfday].

"I want your love and I want your revenge you and me could write a bad romance! I want your love and all your lover's revenge, you and me could write a bad romance!"

Theme song of the night! I'm definately happier than I've been in a long time. Last night... yesterday... wow. It was all just AMAZING! I couldn't have asked for anything else. Thanks to all of my wonderful friends and my family for making the day UNFORGETTABLE! And to all of my friends on FB for the b-day wishes! I honestly haven't ever had a birthday that great. I couldn't be any happier:)

Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

.[speechless].&.valentine.loniliness.

"take a glass to mend all the broken hearts of all my wrecked up friends!"


I've been fighting for... well for what I want. And I keep being dissappointed. I hate the feeling of being let down by people... by the world. It's all insane. The world changes every minute. But people don't. I'm amazed that the people I surround myself with are so... Predictable. There's no point in pushing them to be someone they aren't, especially when I hate people pushing me to do and be someone I'm not.

Oh and p.s. I need a vacation. So if anyone is making a trip somewhere, maybe invite me... or ignore me. haha whatever works for you.



Here's some random lyrics I wrote. It's kinda my "blah blah blah" moment of the night...


Sometimes the world
changes on a dime
spins and twirls
every time...

you make me smile,
even when you're gone,
it's been a while
since the battle was won.

I know you're trying,
and I know you meant well..
every time I'm dying
You showed me heart...

and I fell.... in love.

sometimes the world
changes on a dime
spins and twirls
all of the time!

you made m laugh
and you made me cry
I don't whats left
without eeing your eyes

I know you're trying
and I know you meant well
Every time I'm dying
you showed me your heart...

and i fell... in love.

.i'd.rather.be.[alone].-.amely.

Watch the Video Whilst reading the lyrics? I think yes!!!

Studio:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0JnhmoZOtY&NR=1

Live:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzmLU7KdCS0

Lyrics - I'd Rather Be Alone

Well I'll be fine
Just laying here tonight
Thinking about the world
If you don't mind
Then let me be
So I can feel alive again

For I've been hiding, I've been searching for a reason to escape
But I am trying, no I'm lying to myself cause I'm a fake
There's no other way to go
Oh I'd rather be alone
Cause I've been hiding, but I'm dying now
I'm giving up on hope

Tell me what you meant when you said you miss me
Tell me how you felt when you dared to kiss me
Oh Oh Oh, Oh Oh Oh, I'd rather be alone

Tell me what you meant when you said you miss me
Tell me how you felt when you dared to kiss me
Oh Oh Oh, Oh Oh Oh, I'd rather be alone

Well dear I mind
Now that you say you're trying
It's only getting worse
So leave my side
I don't need your lies
To write another verse

For I've been hiding, I've been searching for a reason I should stay
But I am trying, no I'm lying to another the same way
There's no other way to go
Oh I'd rather be alone
Cause I've been hiding, but I'm dying now
I'm giving up on hope

Tell me what you meant when you said you miss me
Tell me how you felt when you dared to kiss me
Oh Oh Oh, Oh Oh Oh, I'd rather be alone

Tell me what you meant when you said you miss me
Tell me how you felt when you dared to kiss me
Oh Oh Oh, Oh Oh Oh, I'd rather be alone

With no one right here by my side
I'll live a cold and lonely life
I'd rather be this way then give my love to just anyone

Tell me what you meant when you said you miss me
Tell me how you felt when you dared to kiss me
Oh Oh Oh, Oh Oh Oh, I'd rather be alone

Tell me what you meant when you said you miss me
Tell me how you felt when you dared to kiss me
Oh Oh Oh, Oh Oh Oh, I'd rather be alone

.black.and.white.[goodbyes].

The summer coming to an end, and me being the party planner I am, I pulled together a Black and White bash to end the summer in true fashion. Unlike normal people, I keep my parties exclusive and hence did not invite anyone other than my group of friends. Setting up took so much of my energy. We made several favors, and Set up hundreds of Christmas lights and prepared a bunch of food and such. I knew this party was when I would have to say goodbye to the two girls leaving for college, Anna and Shaunzi. Both would suck badly, because I was saying goodbye to two girls who were in love with me. Which as much as that just sounds like me bragging that girls love me, was true. I was parting with girls that honestly had a huge part of my life and I had a huge part of theirs. It wasn't going to be easy and we knew that.

As the party unfolded the kids (my nickname for the younger of my friends; Those still in high school) each said their goodbyes to Anna and Shaunzi and the party was winding down. Unfortunately for the three of us, we were left with the task of cleaning everything up, mean while thinking about saying goodbye and how much it was going to suck.

I had set up what I thought I would say to each of them, and had prepared the “straight boy” response to anything they may say. The plan quickly became that Anna and I would say goodbye first and I would txt Shaunzi to come out when we were done. Shaunzi and Anna said goodbye before Anna came outside to see me. I know that their goodbyes must have been intense, seeing as I sat in my car for a good 15 minutes before Anna came outside.

“Hi” She greeted.

“Hey, How was it?”

“It was good.” She seemed a bit drained, but ready to plow through yet another downer goodbye.

"Anna, You know I love you, right?"

"Yes and I love you Chase." I will cut out what I think is a personal conversation. But we went through everything about liking eachother, even though I knew I was gay, I had built up a relationship with Anna, and she was important to me. Just because I'm gay, doesn't mean I don't like the companionship that girls bring. They are much more loving that boys at most points in life. Anna asked me about moving, and what I thought would happen to everyone. Honestly, I thought the group would survive anything. I reassured her that nothing could ever tear apart the group and we would all be friends forever. I knew I would see Anna and that this wasn't truly goodbye, but it was hard. I'm not a huge cryer, but I couldn't help but being truly upset. I kept saying, "Anna, I love you! and I will miss you SO much." She and I said goodbye and I watched her leave. It was like watching part of your life hop in a car and leave the rest of you standing in the cold. Anna is a blessed girl and she deserves nothing but the best in this world, but that doesn't mean I get to spend time with her while she gets the best... I forget that sometimes.

Once Anna had gone, Shaunzi came outside, and I knew it was going to be hard. She had already cried with Anna, and I couldn't be much easier. Shaunzi is a special woman. She puts her heart into life... into her friends. I am only blessed to have her as a friend. As she walked out into the cold I had a feeling this would be the hardest thing I would do all year.

"Chase, what am I going to do without you."

"Shaunzi, you will be fine, and you will see me all the time. I don't care if I have to drive up to logan once a month just to see you. I will." Little did I know It was going to cost me a bunch of money in gas keeping my promise! I loved the fact that no matter how hard the situation was both of us had a solution to the problems we were facing. Most people think, "oh my friend is moving to logan... I guess I only get to see them on breaks and such." WE think, "Every other weekend you come up here, and I'll go down there." The PERFECT plan.

After literally freezing my self do death, I gave Shaunzi a huge hug, and said goodnight for the last time. It took me a good hour and a half to get through the Goodbyes. And honestly, I enjoyed it. I look back now, and feel like I really made the situation the best that I could have. Between the Kick ASS party, and the perfectly molded "straight-boy" responses... I think It was successful. I drove home feeling greatly satisfied, and parked outside my house for another half an hour. I didn't cry, but I had to take in everything that had happened. I let my body soak in the love of my friends. I let myself truly breathe and feel like I was important to the world. Something that didn't happen often before I came out. It's hard to be truly happy like that when you aren't being completely honest with yourself.

Black and White 2009 was simply one of the best nights of the year. I don't think the world could put a price on that night. You can't buy that kind of perfection.

Dear blog, I willst be postin something amazing (I guess) about Doris shacklebolt shauzi Shasta sweet shot my effing biaaaaatch byronius Maximus. Love - Walter

.blame.it.on.the.[girls].

So I was sittin' in the bar and this guy came up to me and he said, "my life stinks" and I saw his gold credit card and I saw the way he was lookin' at people across the room, and I looked at his face and you know what a good lookin' face... And I just said, "Dude, your perspective on life SUCKS!"

.my.first.[real].conversation.

Within the next few days I added Jordan on facebook. Once he accepted I wrote on his wall apologizing for the extreme awkwardness and asking about his audition for SYTYCD. He sent me a message saying it was no big deal, told me about not making the show, and left his number. Being the little gay boy I was, I was nervous about using the number. I kept the messages alive by asking about his life. It got to talking about me and being gay. By this time, he had told me I could txt him because facebook was taking forever.

Jordan and I made the decision that we should do something fun… for him this meant getting me out of Utah county so I could be more of myself. I was thrilled to do so, and we ended up going to gateway. Talking to him that day was extremely weird for me. It was like I had been asleep for 18 years, and was just then waking up and having the first conversation outside of dreams. I was really being me, and not the character I had been playing for all of those years. I had an extreme headache and my mind was running faster than it had ever in my life. While in a furniture store, my mom called me asking where I was. Of course I wasn’t’ going to tell her, ‘ I’m with Jordan Mikesell at the gateway shopping!’ so I told her I was in between sacraments and that I would be home around 4. She knew something was up, but didn’t ask much more.

Jordan and I left gateway and went to his parents’ house. He had been house-sitting for them, and it was vacant. I was stressing pretty bad at this point so we watched a few movies to calm down a bit. Although my brain hadn’t spun so terribly in my life, that day is still one of the best ever. It is unmatchable in the fact that I was finally myself. It was euphoric. I knew I was on track to coming out.

.chili’s.the.most.[awkward].place.on.earth.

It had been really slow at work and my manager cut me early enough that I could’ve had an entire night of fun, but at the time I didn’t have my car. I was waiting for someone to come and get me or something, I don’t remember. I walked out from the To-go cave, and see a familiar face at one of the tables. It’s Jordan Mikesell.

Growing up in my ward saw two different coming out stories; One being Tyler Christensen, who was angry at the world and made a huge scene and continues to make scenes. He will come into chili’s holding hands with his boyfriend, acting better than everyone in the store, and making their relationship known. Jordan on the other hand was different. At the time I knew very little about him coming out. I could remember few things about him. I knew he moved to Seattle, and I knew he was a dancer. His parents taught my Sunday school class and I could vividly remember a lesson his mom taught and she started crying whilst talking about homosexuality. I knew she was talking about Jordan, but obviously didn’t understand the situation.

I walked past the table acting like I hadn’t noticed he was there. I regretted the feeling immediately. Since he had come back to Utah I had heard too much about him, and had seen the wards reaction to him being in church. I hated that he was so criticized because it seemed to me he was only trying to be happy, and was doing what was best. People in Utah sucked in my opinion. I sat at the host stand waiting for my ride… and contemplated going to say hi. I couldn’t think of anything I could do… after all, the last thing I wanted was for him to think I’m a total retard. So what do I do? I went and asked my manager to run my discount on their check. She hesitated but ended up giving it to them. I took the 50% check and stopped by the table

“I had my manager run my discount card… so here you go” I practically threw it at him, and walked away.

“Thanks chase!” he said in response. I felt even more awkward then I could’ve imagined. I felt stupid immediately. I felt like there was a hundred other ways I could’ve done it, and definitely not looked so stupid. I resumed my waiting at the front of the restaurant. Wearing my sunglasses inside, clearly trying to avoid contact with Jordan and the girl and guy that were with him, I sat and watched him get up and walk to the bathroom. “WHOA is he hot” I sat there admiring. Skinny black jeans, white converse, a white shirt, and a black vest… (at least that’s what I remember;) ) When I got home that night all I could think of was how awkward I had been, and kept asking myself, “is this what being gay feels like? Is it always going to feel so… uncomfortable?”