.summer.of.[09].

I must say, I was really lost as to how I was going to remember the events of the summer, and how coming out happened. Luckily the wonderful internet stores everything, and I was able to load my facebook profile, and go back to the beginning of summer, and by reading status updates, wall posts, and many messages (txt, facebook, email, and saved voicemails) and I have made what I think is a good summary of the important facts and information of the summer and the events leading to the biggest pivot point of my life, Coming out.

As I go through the summer, there are two different sides of the story; The side that my friends and family saw, and the private side where I was contemplating coming out, and the changes I wanted to make to my life. Most of this blog with discuss the private side of the story. The public side, although being one of the best summers of my life, is not very important in the view of my coming out.

With high school ending, college is the next big step. Anna has a huge scholarship to the Cleveland Institute of Music. Shaunzi has scholarships to Utah State University. I have a full-ride to Utah Valley University. And Kara, Todd and Rachel are soon to be seniors in high school. The group is physically splitting up whether we want it to or not. Talk of people losing interest in holding onto the broken group becomes very common. I feel like I’m the only one that really wants to keep the group alive. I want it all to work out, and meanwhile I’m trying to cope with deciding whether or not to serve a mission, and ultimately with coming out.

Although the group didn’t know, this summer meant a lot to me… in that I was pushing for them to support me in coming out and therefore put my entire self in every activity we planned. Harry Potter, Toddika (a party for todd), just hanging out, and the Black and White Party are just a few examples. Because school had ended, I had my manager change my availability and I had resumed my 40 hour a week schedule working Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and many Sundays. Throughout June I worked a lot, the group hung out whenever possible… and all was well. As July approached everyone’s vacations began to break the “complete set” and we had to plan every activity according to who was going to be home. For me this was a great opportunity to build individual friendships in order to strengthen the bonds for when school started.

July came. The fourth was a bunch of fun, minus Rachel getting sick and throwing up in my gutter. Todd left on a vacation, only to be followed by another, and another. I accepted that I was basically not going to see him until school resumed. Given that I am who I am, I have a special influence on people. Some people would say I help people be their best self, and the happiest than can be. Others would like you to believe that being your “true” self is bad, and that I have corrupted you. I had always known I wasn’t greatly accepted in Todd’s house but it was somewhere in his vacations that he told me how much they really didn’t like me. His sister didn’t like that I had changed Anna and Shaunzi when all I EVER do to anyone is help them realize who they really are and embrace that so they can be happier.

Realizing how much a mission isn’t for me, I start going to church less. I only attend sacrament meetings. I skipped out on those as much as possible as well. On one occasion, my sister is in town, and I decided to skip church to go hang with Todd, Anna and Shaunzi. Mind you, we went to sacrament meeting, so personally I didn’t feel all that guilty about leaving. Doing nothing truly “sinner” we just went to walmart and looked around, and then went to a park and talked, we waited until the proper time that church would’ve ended and returned home.

“So you went to sacrament meeting…” Lauren introduces as I walk into the kitchen.

“and class… why?” I lied.

“hmmm what class did you go to?”

“we went with mckenzie.”

“Giles? That’s funny because she was in class with me.”

“We skipped class but I went back for priesthood” I tried to repair…

“Chase there wasn’t priesthood today, why are you lying” She only did this to get me in trouble. I hated that she knew how to push my buttons, and instead of saying it to my face, she was conceited and rude about getting the truth out. I love my sister, but sometimes…. Sometimes she makes me want to throw something

“Why are you lying, Chase” My mom finally responds to the completely awkward situation.

“We didn’t go to class because singles ward is awkward” This was true. Anyone in that ward
would agree that it’s completely an awkward ward. But it was NOT the reason for us leaving. I lied yet again. Truth was I hated being in a ward where the focus of going on a mission was so strong.

The conversation was over, but me being in trouble wasn’t. Although it blew over, the topic would be revisited several weeks later…

.timeline.[break].

Tonight has been extremely interesting. And I want to touch on the topic even though it’s not going along with the story. It’s currently 3:01 AM and I have so much running through my mind I am incapable of sleeping. I have that feeling of loneliness when I’m surrounded by so much love. I think with coming out, I have had so much of a good reaction that I’m destined to have… withdrawals (?)… from the happiness. I can’t explain how I feel. I’m so happy that I’m finally being me, but at the same time it’s sad.

SONG OF THE NIGHT – “I Look to You” by Whitney Houston

LYRICS
As I lay me down
Heaven hear me now
Im lost without a cause
After giving it my all

Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun
After all that I've been through
Who on earth can I turn to

I look to you
I look to you

After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong

I look to you
I look to you

And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song

I look to you

After losing my breath
There's no more fighting left
Sinking to rise no more
Searching for that open door

And every road that I've taken
Lead to my regret
And I don't know if Im gonna make it
Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to you
I look to you

And when all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong

I look to you
I look to you

And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song

I look to you

(my levies have broken, my walls have come)

Coming down on me

(crumbling down on me)

All the rain is falling

(the rain is falling, defeat is calling)

Set me free

(i need you to set me free)

Take me far away from the battle
I need you
Shine on me

I look to you
I look to you

After all my strength has gone
in you I can be strong

I look to you
I look to you

and when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song

I look to you
I look to you




I just want to say before I upload the next post, that I owe this blog to everyone. I owe it to myself to be honest with who I am and all of that, but more importantly, I owe it to all of the people in my life to have this much more insight into my life, and why things happened the way they did. I needed people to know why I said and did the things I did because in coming out, I have realized how much pain I caused all of the people that I lied to throughout the years.

Also, I would like to quickly thank my wonderful friend Shaunzi for helping me focus my writing; Editing what she can and keeping what I have to say relevant to the story. If you didn’t know, one thing about me is that I’m extremely OCD. I have written all of the posts for my blog in advance so that I can make sure the whole story is cohesive and fluent. I have been stuck on my leaving of high school because this is where the story gets truly interesting. Again, I have to thank Shaunzi. If it weren’t for her I would’ve been stuck on graduation for a lot longer than a few days.

.choir.[tour].3.

To wrap things up, I remember throughout tour, feeling happier than I had ever been. I say that a lot… but the happiness in my life was growing, exponentially. I was getting closer to being myself. Hanging out with all of my friends away from our natural habitat I learned more about myself, and the things I have to bring to the friends I make in this world.

As far as the fun I had, it’s indescribable. I would tell you all of our inside jokes, and funny moments but I feel like they are very precious to me and my friends. If you haven’t heard them, you probably aren’t as close to me as you should be (hint hint) haha

I have taken my writing book and am now using it to remember more of choir tour. I can’t believe how pivotal that week was for me and my friends. Everything that happened has changed the dynamics of the group and of my life altogether. It’s amazing. As much as I HAVE written about tour... there is much much more. But I'm choosing to keep most of it out, and not for any particular reason. simply that the parts I've told seem to be the "pivotal" points as I said...