.senior.year.biographies.[anna].

Anna Bowman was integrated into my life through my friend Shaunzi. Our friendship was a weird one, because we went practically straight from being introduced to Anna falling in love with me. I have some weird girl friends that love gay guys apparently… because what Anna was feeling was a mutual feeling among the group of girls, and caused quite a bit of drama. I feel bad for the way I acted to her. I let her believe too much and told her too much to lead her into a love and a life that wouldn’t ever come from me. I was stupid in the way I told her we would get married and live lives next door to each other and shat. It was stupid of me to be so immature when I knew eventually I would have to come out and tell her I was gay, and deal with the repercussions of lying to her.



Anna is another of the most brilliantly talented girls I know. She can play circles around my piano playing abilities. She plays the cello better than I’ve ever seen. Anna attends the Cleveland Institute of Music, which is just one example of how amazing she is. She hates when I spread around how amazing she is, but I know deep down she knows it:) Another example of this kind of talent is a video that I will post a link to, is the SYTYCD performance of “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles. Watch the girl, Kayla, in the video. I don’t know why, but when I saw this performance, the sheer majesty and grace that Kayla performs with, reminded me of Anna. And while she is at The Cleveland Institute of Music, or wherever her life takes her, I know I can watch that video and remember my friend Anna.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rEOVyxuLac&feature=related

Along with being an amazing daughter of god, Anna comes from a wonderful family. I don’t know a lot about them, but from what I’ve seen and the few conversations I’ve had with Anna’s parents I know they are wonderful people. I come from a family of wonderful people. I know they all have their differences and they are all unique in their own way, and I think Anna’s family is much like mine. I think that’s why I can relate to them so much. They are amazing people in their own right, and they are more than accepting of me, which is completely amazing.

.senior.year.biographies.[todd].

I feel like out of all of my friends, Todd is the one I owe the most. Meeting him my senior year, was like meeting a therapist. It was and is so medicinal to have someone I can relate to. He is a straight version of me. He’s my metro-sexual little brother. I started my senior year with a loathing hate for Todd. He had everything I thought I wanted; Chamber Choir member, a friendship with the people I wanted, and most of all, he’s beyond skinny and has a body I only dream of having, and I was jealous. Sorry for the awkwardness… haha. Basically I got over my hate for him, and we became the greatest of friends. I don’t know what I would do If I lost Todd. Part of the reason I started this blog, was that I finally came out to him, and because I did so I am finally able to be honest with the world.

Todd Bean. Wow. He is weird, crazy, hyperactive, completely dance crazed, dramatic, talented, and absolutely strong in anything he does. It’s crazy. I’ve never met someone with such an intense love for music. And a thriving love for life. I know that whenever I have issues, Todd is able to be accepting of me and put me right back into the perspective of life. As far as my senior year goes, Todd became my best friend. And I don’t know what I would do without him now. He brings a smile to my face just by being his bitchy little self all the time. It’s amazing to me. The relationships he has with Kara, Rachel, and even Anna, aren’t maybe the healthiest, but it is magic to me how he makes it all work, and when it isn’t working, he still makes it all… well work, without working… that makes no sense on paper, but it’s the fact that he is true to himself even when it’s all falling apart in front of him. Whenever he says he’s not going to talk to them for “a month” or whatever I know it will last not even half of what he says, because he is forgiving and loving of his friends.

With Todd, there is very little of a “grace period”. He is down to a schedule and likes knowing when and where things are happening. A common txt from Todd is,

“Where? Time Gauge?”

Not only do I smile every time he says this, but it’s a simple example of Todd. I bring this up, because I feel like Todd is reliable in being himself. I had a hard time in high school dealing with people that couldn’t be themselves around certain people. They would change depending on who they’d be around, and live multi-faceted lives. This makes NO sense to me, yet I was living the ultimate façade throughout high school, but that’s beside the fact, I don’t understand how people can change who they are so quickly around different people. My junior year I drove home two girls nearly every day from the high school, and at the end of the year one of the girls said something that has really stuck with me especially in the last few months…

“You taught me to be proud of the person I am, and to not care what people think of me”

I remember when she said that feeling like I had finally affected someone. Like the confidence I had been trying to show had finally come through and been made prevalent to someone other than just myself. Todd has a way of showing that same confidence. Knowing that the world may not accept the person he is, and knowing that they may judge… but that he will still be Todd. And He will be proud to be Todd. That is a hard thing for a lot of people, especially in high school. As much as I want to act better than everyone around me, I learn new things about the person I want to be and the person I am every day, and Todd, and the rest of my friends do a GREAT job at putting me into perspective and making it known that I have room to grow… in a good way.

When high school ended I wrote all of my friend’s letters; Todd’s means a lot to me. It’s the only one out of the group that I feel contains the most truth. I know that everything he has in that letter contains the definition of our friendship, and I hope that he values those words as much as I do. (Even if a paragraph repeats the same words over and over)

:)

.senior.year.biographies.[kara].

Kara Woodbury. Where do I start? If you want to have a political, social, emotional, physical, or any other kind of heated debate KARA is your girl. SERIOUSLY! I first met her in voice lessons although I really never put the face with the name. Kara moved to Germany and returned half way through my senior year, and left me a little in confusion about who she was… when she got back everyone kept saying “KARA’S BACK” and I was so confused about this…

“Who’s Kara” I asked my friend Shaunzi.

“She’s the brunette girl that took voice from Janilyn with us”

“Which one? I’m lost”

“You’ll remember when you see her” and boy was Shaunzi right… the minute I saw her I was like OH YOU’RE HER!!!!! I gave her a hug and knew that our friendship would blossom. I don’t have a lot to say about Kara, because I will cover much more about her in later posts. I just have to say, Kara is brilliant. She makes you happy, especially when you want to be angry… and also angry when you want to be happy. She is the perfect blend of sarcasm and truth. As well as a bluntly wonderful personality she is one of the naturally pretty girls I’ve ever met…

“I decided I’m not going to wear make-up anymore” she said.

“Hahaha, how’s that going for you”

“Really good!”

Within the last few weeks my friends haven't been exactly "friends" with each other. I know they have differences as people and are never going to be so alike in personality types that they can spend EVERY moment with each other, and I have to say, I'm so glad that they (Kara and the rest of them) can continue to be friends with me, so that I know they are true friends and not just in it for something material, or some altered version of platonic love… Kara is a loving person. As much as she may show a hard exterior and she acts (and is) better at things than the rest of us, she has SO MUCH to give to the people in this world. She will do nothing but the best and bring nothing but happiness to those that are graced with her presence. I remember, and will never forget, everything she has done for me. I owe much of my sanity to Kara. I owe much of my life.

.senior.year.biographies.[rachel].

Rachel Mortensen is by far the most talented girl I know. Let’s talk about her for just a minute here. I kept her as close as possible because personalities like hers are extremely addictive. She makes even the worst moments amazing, and makes you happy just by being around her. At the beginning… haha… of the year, we sang for the homecoming pageant the song “at the beginning” from Anastasia. It was unbelievable being able to hear her voice so close up, and know that she is JUST THAT GOOD! I can’t believe it… I think since we did that, the rest of the year fell into place, and we were destined to be friends. I knew that whatever I threw at her, that she would be my friend through the darkest of it all, and she would accept me for who I am. The year progressed and the “group” molded to include more people and exclude others, but it ALWAYS included Rachel. She was and is a constant in my life that I will most likely never be able to live without. When prom prep rolled around, I knew I wanted to ask someone that would make it completely memorable. Having taken Emily Evans my junior year, and enjoying it, without being in a group I enjoyed and not really having much of a friendship with Emily. I knew I wanted to take someone that I had a good friendship with and be in a group where we could truly enjoy ourselves. Rachel.

I sang “so close” from enchanted at the school talent show and during the piano break had the tech crew raise the lights and asked her to prom in front of the school… at least the ones that went… I think she liked it, and I knew I had enjoyed it, and am really glad that it went so well. If I can post videos up here I will do so, or I will post it on YouTube and make a link... We’ll see!!

Rachel is the sum of a friend. I know that she will always love me, and I will always love her. No matter how different we are, and how much we may "grow" apart, we will always have an underlying friendship that will withstand the years, and the differences. I love Rachel, and as she would say, "You are my BEST friend!"

.senior.year.biographies.[bronte].

Having taken LDS seminary classes all throughout my high school experience the only thing that brought me back my senior year, was graduating for my parents. I wanted them to have that for me… but it’s stupid. My junior year my seminary class consisted of people I hate, and one girl I knew I would be friends with… Bronte Bitaraf. Unfortunately for her, reading this blog may be the first time she hears that I’m gay from me. (actually not true, she found out through the grape-vine, and I confirmed over txting... What a great thing txting is...)

Being a gay male, I feel like I’m pretty in tune with my surroundings and I know what people are saying. As far as that goes, Bronte never wanted to accept that I was trying to help her be a better person and help her grow out of high school. The gist of the whole friendship is that I was always telling her what she was doing wrong, and she hated it. I admit that I have my faults, but she never ever wanted to admit that… she hated that she wasn’t perfect… she slutted up her life with stupid men that I told her would do nothing but use her… she quit the perfect job I got for her at chili’s and made me look like a complete ass for having them hire her, and she’s done nothing since to make me want to repair the broken shitty friendship we had. She doesn’t have enough respect for herself to have respect for people around her. It’s genetic failure in my opinion. I can’t believe how much drama flows from one person.

Since writing this, I have cooled off a bit, but I still agree with everything I said, I just want to add, that although bronte did some terribly stupid things, she was a great friend. She stood up for me when no one else would, and she put herself out there more than any other girl I know. I love her, but I can't be friends with someone that drives me that crazy. I avoid facebook invites, txt messages, and phone calls, NOT because I hate her. NOT because I thinks she's a bitch... but because I simply can't find a reason good enough to validate us being friends. I'm a selfish person, and I need something to come out of a friendship. Very little did I recieve out of the friendship we had, and I don't plan on going back to the drama that is bronte.

.[skip].a.bit.?.

I’m going to shorten this post a bit.

Basically between Junior Year and halfway through my Senior Year I did nothing but create and mend drama with Sophie. It was a bunch of shat that is completely pointless. And I want to just say that, instead of going through all of it. It’s pointless. I want to skip all of that, because it just gets monotonous. I know it may seem like its part of who I am… but being gay, it IS all very pointless.

Senior Year brought a whole new adventure. I registered for classes I knew I would enjoy and I was going to be able to slack a lot. Making my life much easier and much happier… Meeting the friends I did, and the people I associated myself with truly changed my life. I am going to post short biographies, which state how I feel about the select few of these people I can truly say impacted me the most.

These posts will go up every other day, starting today. I will post the first one short after posting this, and continue until all of them are posted.

I also need to make a public apology. I switched out several names in my story telling, and have aparently used a name that has created problems with that person. I must say I am truly sorry for the confusion. And for anyone that is questioning if I am "bashing" on someone and you don't agree, please send me an e-mail, and I will clear any questions up as to who I am REALLY talking about. Thank you for reading, and for understanding.

.high.school.[drama].

Working at chili’s I was integrated in an environment much like high school. If you’ve ever heard the song “High School Never Ends” by bowling for soup, I’m suggesting you listen to it. I knew that although I was in high school, and everyone says it’s amazing, that the pissy parts of it were going to continue through all of my life, not just end when high school did

As a precursor to my High School story, and my coming out, I would like to say this. I waited to come out till after high school, because I knew the superfluous judgment that floats in the halls, and I didn’t want to be the topic of conversation. I dealt with Tyler coming out in high school and seeing the horror it brought. I knew I didn’t want that. So lying about who I was and living the ultimate façade was the way I was going to enjoy high school and be the most of myself that was possible without coming out.

I really wish I had known a lot about high school before diving in. Someone should’ve told me take choir, drama, and spirit team ALL three years… I’m sure someone did tell me, but I obviously didn’t listen. But looking back, if I had done it any other way I wouldn’t have the friends I have now and I wouldn’t be half as good a person. I know that I made seriously impaired judgment calls in an attempt to be happy, and it worked… sort of.

Splitting classes between AF and PG helped me see both sides of who I wanted to be in life. I made friends with a kid I KNEW was gay at AF and continued being friends with my “girlfriend” at PG. I had the ‘best of both worlds’ to quote the fatty Miley Cyrus. It was perfect and perfectly flawed.

One thing I started in high school was a writing book. Or what I’ve come to call a book full of crap or my little book of lies… Because as I wrote, I wrote about girls, and dating, and drama… all of this revolved around me pretending to be straight… It’s a web of lies that makes spiders’ look stupid. I would post the whole book, but I doubt that would be as interesting as I hope it would be. I will quote my façade self here and there and attempt to make sense of the integrated drama that was high school. Also, my tacher required us to answer certain questions, and some of them explain a lot about me so I will post according to what I feel appropriate.

I don’t remember much from my sophomore and Junior Years because so much of it was lies and deceit that I have since phased much of it out of my life in an attempt to forget the trauma I wrought on those around me. I know I broke Sophie’s heart more than once, and broke my own by not being myself and sacrificing who I was for ultimate happiness in high school.

.junior.high.and.[sophie].hall.

The A.L.L. program really pulled me away from the friends I had made at my original elementary school, so starting Junior High, I had a fresh slate (somewhat) to start with, and made friends mostly through percussion. I became friends with Jake Forsyth and Cameron Jestice. Over the next 3 years we went through a lot of stupid drama and things I regret saying and doing. I was a total douche and treated them with very little respect. I knew that they were good kids and I lied to them about things that were completely unnecessary.

The advanced percussion class was moved in with the symphonic band, thus I was moved with Sophie Hall. I don’t remember the dynamics of us becoming friends, but I do remember it happened fast and I wasn’t upset about that. I started hanging out with her at lunch and hanging out with Cameron and Jake less. I loved how much Sophie and I had in common and how much we were able to co-exist, unlike Jake and Cameron.

I first started… what you would probably call dating… being with Sophie, somewhere in the midst of Junior High and high school. It probably happened more towards high school, but I’m such a space case I can’t remember. I do remember hanging out with her at her house for the first time, and knowing that her parents loved me right off the bat. They loved me because I made her happy… mostly. Basically for those of you that have watched One Tree Hill, Sophie and I had a very Nathan and Peyton relationship, minus the sex. We were happy but very volatile to one another. It was so stupid that I let her believe half of the crap we talked about. She always knew I was gay, I mean come on… It’s pretty obvious, but I think she wanted me to be straight so badly that she pushed aside the fact that we never kissed, and never did much other than watching movies and talk, so that she could have a “relationship” with Chase Pont.

The façade that I built all throughout junior and senior high school is brilliant. If someone wanted to write a book on how to act straight and live a happy gay life through high school, I think I’d be a pretty good source… other than the complete douche bag jocks of the school who can’t accept gay people at all; I pretty much had the “keys to high school life: map” in my pocket. I feel like I convinced enough people to satisfy myself and keep me from going completely bonkers.

As junior high ended Sophie and I became much closer. We spent a crap load of time together and I can’t believe how much I loved and hated her at the same time. My first two years of high school I did both American Fork and Pleasant Grove in order to “challenge” myself and allow me to take Japanese. American Fork brought a whole new lifestyle of partying for me. Although I never drank and did any drugs I went to many parties where those things were openly used. By this time, I had started working at Chili’s and was making enough money to support a happy high school life. I was able to provide what I wanted for myself, and even cover a little of what I thought I needed and didn’t get from my parents.

The first party I went to I got a ride from a girl I’d met in English. Her name was Kenzie Smith. Kenzie compared to Sophie (my current… I guess you could say “girlfriend”) was night and day. Sophie is a good girl. Kenzie well… isn’t. I ended up driving her car home from a couple of the parties she took me to, because she got really wasted… Basically I never told Sophie about Kenzie, because Kenzie liked me and was much more aggressive about it. I’m glad that she was always drunk when she “made her move” because it was easier to act into it, when she really didn’t know how I was reacting. Mind you to this day she probably doesn’t remember kissing me, and I wish I could forget. As proof of me being gay, to those of you doubting it, I haven’t ever been so repulsed in my life. Kenzie made me sick. Don’t get me wrong she’s really pretty and has a lot going for her, but her kissing me was like licking a bag of horse shit and expecting not to vomit.

After several ‘break-ups’ Sophie and I went through I finally told Kenzie I didn’t want to party with her anymore, and that she should realize it wasn’t worth it. I told her I wanted to make things work with Sophie and it wasn’t going to work if I continued to hang with her. A load of crap. All of it. I was so integrated in lies at this point it’s ridiculous. Sophie and I grew together. We both have become people that are so different from the 8th grade kids we were 5 years ago. I guess that’s what happens…