.curiosity’s.[uprising].

::Before starting the intensities that lie in this post, I’d like to write a simple disclaimer. This post deals with addiction to porn, and the things that it has done to my life. I may be saying too much, but it seems relevant to my story for you to understand, as my reader, what I went through and the struggle this billion dollar industry puts into the lives of those of us with even a minute sense of curiosity::

After losing the opportunity of being with Jake, my addiction to porn grew more and more. I didn’t have a boy that I could explore more curiosity with, so I had to do it on my own. I spent more and more of my “alone” time on the computer, and more and more of my spirituality was sucked into the computer screen.

It’s sad that the industry is so successful at pulling those of us with curiosity in, and that it works. I wish I could explain to you the addiction. I’ve never been addicted to anything else, but I can tell you it is absolutely near impossible to quit porn. I started all of those years ago and am only now able to say that I know I don’t need it, and am able to control it.

Without being too graphic, I’d like to tell how it unfolded.

I started by searching for pictures using Google and limewire. I knew that there was more out there, but wasn’t ready to accept that I wanted to see more. I printed out several of the pictures and kept them in my room for when I didn’t have access to a computer. I needed to validate who I was without telling anyone, and to me porn was the way to make being gay seem normal.

Once I had seen what I thought was everything that pictures had to offer me, I started finding sites that updated weekly, if not daily and could keep me more interested. I would watch more and more videos and as I watched each one, inside of me it just became more and more real. I was and am gay. I hadn’t ever wanted to accept it. And wouldn’t publically accept it for almost 4 more years… I bought my first subscription to a website a week and a half after getting my debit card. I purchased a one month non-recurring subscription in hopes (complete stupidity) that I wouldn’t get even more addicted and spend more money on this than I wanted to.

The two sites I liked most were practically the same cost and I bought ‘non-recurring’ subscriptions what I would exaggerate as maybe half a dozen times. It may actually be more. I don’t want to remember… The last couple times I purchased subscriptions I started downloading the videos and keeping them on my laptop (recently acquired) so I didn’t have to purchase another subscription.

Watching videos, Looking at pictures, and doing it in secret had become such a BIG part of my life. I would spend hours at night, and even times when I knew no one could see my laptop screen, my phone, or my psp, I would be looking at it. I think it’s fairly safe to assume if someone is into porn they are also masturbating. I am no exception. Masturbation is Satan’s way of taking our bodies purity. As much as homosexuality has its differences from the LDS church’s view of what’s right and wrong, I personally have my boundaries, and know what I think is acceptable. Masturbation does NOT fall into that category. It’s extremely selfish, and is an “instant gratification” technique. Almost everything that falls into that category leads to a consequence of instant dissatisfaction. Every time I masturbated I felt like a failure. Like I’d given in to the carnal needs of my body…

One thing I have to say is I learned as much as any teenager could about avoiding having my parents find the porn I had, and was viewing. It took them finding porn on my PSP, the home computer, my brothers computer and my home computer a couple more times before I figured out every loop hole and had them covered. So to any parents out there, or spouses, if you find porn ONCE do what you can to get that person help. Not just ground them from the computer for a month or a week. Or ask them not to do it again… I love my parents, and they didn’t have someone telling them they needed to do more, but I AM! I’m telling you to get help. Do EVERYTHING you can to help those people. I can answer many questions if you have them. It needs to be known that if someone is looking for porn, and trying to do it secretly, they ARE going to find it, and get away with it.

I’ll leave the porn story there, because it truly ends with me coming out, but I do think it's appropriate to tell you, I have deleted all of the videos and pictures off of my laptop, and have seen a HUGE increase in the happiness with every aspect of my life. I never realized how it made me self-concious, made me feel inadequate, and made me truly un-happy. I ask anyone that is addicted to seek help. If I am the help you need, then please send me an email, and I will be more than willing to be your advocate for overcoming the issue.