.summer.of.[09].

I must say, I was really lost as to how I was going to remember the events of the summer, and how coming out happened. Luckily the wonderful internet stores everything, and I was able to load my facebook profile, and go back to the beginning of summer, and by reading status updates, wall posts, and many messages (txt, facebook, email, and saved voicemails) and I have made what I think is a good summary of the important facts and information of the summer and the events leading to the biggest pivot point of my life, Coming out.

As I go through the summer, there are two different sides of the story; The side that my friends and family saw, and the private side where I was contemplating coming out, and the changes I wanted to make to my life. Most of this blog with discuss the private side of the story. The public side, although being one of the best summers of my life, is not very important in the view of my coming out.

With high school ending, college is the next big step. Anna has a huge scholarship to the Cleveland Institute of Music. Shaunzi has scholarships to Utah State University. I have a full-ride to Utah Valley University. And Kara, Todd and Rachel are soon to be seniors in high school. The group is physically splitting up whether we want it to or not. Talk of people losing interest in holding onto the broken group becomes very common. I feel like I’m the only one that really wants to keep the group alive. I want it all to work out, and meanwhile I’m trying to cope with deciding whether or not to serve a mission, and ultimately with coming out.

Although the group didn’t know, this summer meant a lot to me… in that I was pushing for them to support me in coming out and therefore put my entire self in every activity we planned. Harry Potter, Toddika (a party for todd), just hanging out, and the Black and White Party are just a few examples. Because school had ended, I had my manager change my availability and I had resumed my 40 hour a week schedule working Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and many Sundays. Throughout June I worked a lot, the group hung out whenever possible… and all was well. As July approached everyone’s vacations began to break the “complete set” and we had to plan every activity according to who was going to be home. For me this was a great opportunity to build individual friendships in order to strengthen the bonds for when school started.

July came. The fourth was a bunch of fun, minus Rachel getting sick and throwing up in my gutter. Todd left on a vacation, only to be followed by another, and another. I accepted that I was basically not going to see him until school resumed. Given that I am who I am, I have a special influence on people. Some people would say I help people be their best self, and the happiest than can be. Others would like you to believe that being your “true” self is bad, and that I have corrupted you. I had always known I wasn’t greatly accepted in Todd’s house but it was somewhere in his vacations that he told me how much they really didn’t like me. His sister didn’t like that I had changed Anna and Shaunzi when all I EVER do to anyone is help them realize who they really are and embrace that so they can be happier.

Realizing how much a mission isn’t for me, I start going to church less. I only attend sacrament meetings. I skipped out on those as much as possible as well. On one occasion, my sister is in town, and I decided to skip church to go hang with Todd, Anna and Shaunzi. Mind you, we went to sacrament meeting, so personally I didn’t feel all that guilty about leaving. Doing nothing truly “sinner” we just went to walmart and looked around, and then went to a park and talked, we waited until the proper time that church would’ve ended and returned home.

“So you went to sacrament meeting…” Lauren introduces as I walk into the kitchen.

“and class… why?” I lied.

“hmmm what class did you go to?”

“we went with mckenzie.”

“Giles? That’s funny because she was in class with me.”

“We skipped class but I went back for priesthood” I tried to repair…

“Chase there wasn’t priesthood today, why are you lying” She only did this to get me in trouble. I hated that she knew how to push my buttons, and instead of saying it to my face, she was conceited and rude about getting the truth out. I love my sister, but sometimes…. Sometimes she makes me want to throw something

“Why are you lying, Chase” My mom finally responds to the completely awkward situation.

“We didn’t go to class because singles ward is awkward” This was true. Anyone in that ward
would agree that it’s completely an awkward ward. But it was NOT the reason for us leaving. I lied yet again. Truth was I hated being in a ward where the focus of going on a mission was so strong.

The conversation was over, but me being in trouble wasn’t. Although it blew over, the topic would be revisited several weeks later…

.timeline.[break].

Tonight has been extremely interesting. And I want to touch on the topic even though it’s not going along with the story. It’s currently 3:01 AM and I have so much running through my mind I am incapable of sleeping. I have that feeling of loneliness when I’m surrounded by so much love. I think with coming out, I have had so much of a good reaction that I’m destined to have… withdrawals (?)… from the happiness. I can’t explain how I feel. I’m so happy that I’m finally being me, but at the same time it’s sad.

SONG OF THE NIGHT – “I Look to You” by Whitney Houston

LYRICS
As I lay me down
Heaven hear me now
Im lost without a cause
After giving it my all

Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun
After all that I've been through
Who on earth can I turn to

I look to you
I look to you

After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong

I look to you
I look to you

And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song

I look to you

After losing my breath
There's no more fighting left
Sinking to rise no more
Searching for that open door

And every road that I've taken
Lead to my regret
And I don't know if Im gonna make it
Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to you
I look to you

And when all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong

I look to you
I look to you

And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song

I look to you

(my levies have broken, my walls have come)

Coming down on me

(crumbling down on me)

All the rain is falling

(the rain is falling, defeat is calling)

Set me free

(i need you to set me free)

Take me far away from the battle
I need you
Shine on me

I look to you
I look to you

After all my strength has gone
in you I can be strong

I look to you
I look to you

and when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song

I look to you
I look to you




I just want to say before I upload the next post, that I owe this blog to everyone. I owe it to myself to be honest with who I am and all of that, but more importantly, I owe it to all of the people in my life to have this much more insight into my life, and why things happened the way they did. I needed people to know why I said and did the things I did because in coming out, I have realized how much pain I caused all of the people that I lied to throughout the years.

Also, I would like to quickly thank my wonderful friend Shaunzi for helping me focus my writing; Editing what she can and keeping what I have to say relevant to the story. If you didn’t know, one thing about me is that I’m extremely OCD. I have written all of the posts for my blog in advance so that I can make sure the whole story is cohesive and fluent. I have been stuck on my leaving of high school because this is where the story gets truly interesting. Again, I have to thank Shaunzi. If it weren’t for her I would’ve been stuck on graduation for a lot longer than a few days.

.choir.[tour].3.

To wrap things up, I remember throughout tour, feeling happier than I had ever been. I say that a lot… but the happiness in my life was growing, exponentially. I was getting closer to being myself. Hanging out with all of my friends away from our natural habitat I learned more about myself, and the things I have to bring to the friends I make in this world.

As far as the fun I had, it’s indescribable. I would tell you all of our inside jokes, and funny moments but I feel like they are very precious to me and my friends. If you haven’t heard them, you probably aren’t as close to me as you should be (hint hint) haha

I have taken my writing book and am now using it to remember more of choir tour. I can’t believe how pivotal that week was for me and my friends. Everything that happened has changed the dynamics of the group and of my life altogether. It’s amazing. As much as I HAVE written about tour... there is much much more. But I'm choosing to keep most of it out, and not for any particular reason. simply that the parts I've told seem to be the "pivotal" points as I said...

.[consumption].

What do you consume?


::ALCOHOL:: For many people, especially here in Utah, consumption of alcohol is the evil which takes advantage of mankind. But I ask, what do those people consume. If it's not alcohol, what are they reaping?

::HATE:: Many consume a drink of hate, and deny the acception of those that don't fit in their... "box" of normal.

::GOSSIP:: Others ARE consumed in a love of gossip. The lack of control with information. A lack of respect for those around them, and a lack of tact with when and where they share information. Superfluous sharing of "news"

::SEX:: A huge demeaning aspect of our polluted society, Sex. Majority of the world consumes sex; Lives and thrives on the carnal needs of their bodies. Is it to be assumed that sex is a "need of the human body" and therefore isn't evil?

I propose that the hypocrite shouldn't judge those in consumption. Whether that be myself judging those consuming sex, or those consuming hate for gays. I am not here to judge I am here to accept my fellow man, and leave judgement to the courts, and to whatever higher being may or may not exist.

Consumption:: The taking of matter/ideas into the body.

.wasting.away.of.the.[body].

.choir.[tour].2.

One thing I missed in the last post was going to the Farmer’s Market, and going to the freaking most amazing Abercrombie and Fitch store I’ve ever been in… it was like being in a shopping museum. Not a store. Absolute magic. I’ve since developed a hate for that store, but at the time it was euphoric… an OCD persons dream, perfectly folded clothes separated by color and design.

Returning to the regular timeline, Disneyland came and we performed the morning of the first day there. We sang our songs, I accompanied on one of the worst pianos I’ve ever played, and we were off to enjoy the day. The first day of Disneyland, I had set up somewhat of a schedule of what we would do and in what order… The day was extremely rough because everyone had a different way of “doing” Disneyland. By the end of the day I had pissed off enough of the group that it was obvious the second day wasn’t going to include most of the same people.

Todd and I got into a fight… More like Todd and the group, but it’s a long story, and somewhat pointless now. That night the room was awkward, having participated in the day’s trauma Todd was not included in my trip to Chili’s. We spent the whole time in the restaurant complaining about what they had done, and I honestly believe if we hadn’t made one of our religious trips to Chili’s that the drama of the night would’ve been much more elevated. I am glad that it happened, because it was the first “fight” I had with Todd… and I learned a lot about how he reacts to problems, and how he fights for what he believes.

The very next day we began the trip home. The trauma of the previous night started to blow over. And when we stopped for lunch we made yet another trip to chili’s, this one involving Todd… and I was glad that it had been resolved… for the most part:) As I look back on Choir tour in general I can only imagine the difference it made in my life. I will always be grateful for the friends I made and the impact they have on my life.

.choir.[tour].1.

The quick gist of prep for tour, was that I wasn’t going to go. I ended up taking a spot of Todd’s ex-best friend and would be in a room with Todd. It was rapidly becoming very exciting…

The tour would consist of Driving in a bus to California, Sea world, Disneyland, More Disneyland, and another bus ride home. I will try and explain as much of the tour as possible, seeing as this was a pivotal point in many of my friends and my own relations…

Driving TO California was beyond fun. I sat next to Rachel and we stayed up extremely late laughing about our txt tone being “Kim Possible”… :) I was a little disappointed because Todd had talked up the bus ride and told me we were going to have a bunch of fun driving down, but I couldn’t seem to find him… he disappeared with Megan Crosland or someone… Skipping stupid details, we arrived in the hotel, and began to set up sleeping arrangements. Todd and I had previously discussed that I would pull the “I like sleeping on the floor” card so that we wouldn’t have to deal with the drama of people calling us gay. But truly I could’ve cared less… and we both shouldn’t have worried because I’ve never seen so much homosexuality come out of supposedly straight men in my life… given that all of our roommates were on top of each other practically ALL the time.

That night I slept terribly. It would’ve been so much better being on the bed, but I wanted to respect what Todd wanted, and if that meant being miserable I was ok with that…
My timeline may be completely faulty, but the next event was SeaWorld. I think… well yes, I’m skipping the rather mediocre tour memories, and jumping to the important ones. The day in SeaWorld was brilliant we had a group of 7 people. This included myself, Shaunzi, Rachel, Kara, Amberly, Whitney, and Todd. We were perfect that day. Everything went sooo amazingly and we were all really happy. It was easy for us to decide what to do, and the pictures were incredible. I remember feeling so at ease with life that day. The whole group was accepting of one another and it was all going really well.

I do believe the conversation from hell happened that night. Mind you, I to this day don’t know why this bothered me so much, me being gay. But, driving back to the hotel, a conversation was started about marrying an RM (Returned Missionary)… I knew at that point in my life that I was questioning the mission. And Whether I was going to be able to come out before, and if not, if I would serve a good mission knowing I was gay. Kara, Amberly, Rachel, Shaunzi and plenty of other girls on the bus loved to pipe into the conversation… but the one that really pissed me off was Kara… because I had some dream of me and her getting married, stupid because of two reasons, 1 – I’m gay. 2 – I hate the idea of marriage. I can’t explain why it pissed me off, but it did. And only until recently have I had to deal with that conversation. Looking back I realize that a lot of the ideas that Kara was vocalizing were really coming from Amberly, who I’ve learned to healthily hate. (We’ve accepted we hate each other, and we are civil and treat one another with respect whilst still hating).

It’s looking like I’m going to split Choir tour into 3 parts. This will be the end of the first phase. I was on the fence about my friendship with Kara, and was secretly dreading the start of our days in Disneyland, seeing as I have a terrible history with the place.

.[quotes].of.daily.life.

To prove that I am just as weird as everything thinks; I’m going to post some of my favorite quotes. Most of these come from OTH, but no matter where I got them, they all some personal meaning to me.

“Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically… to those who hardly think about us in return”

-TH White

“There seems to be a kind of order in the universe… in the movement of the stars and the turning of the earth… and the changing of the seasons. But human life is almost pure chaos. Everyone takes his stance asserts his own rights and feelings… mistaking the motives of others and his own.”

-Katherine Anne Porter

“Many people die with their music still in them. Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out.”
-Oliver Wendell Holmes

“It’s the good girls who keep diaries. The bad girls never have any time.”

-Unknown

“No man, for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude… without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.”
-Nathaniel Hawthorne

“When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone.”

-Unknown

“Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alive.”

-Otavio Paz

“Your reason and your passion are the rudder, and sails of your seafaring soul. If either be broken, you can but toss and drift… or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas for reason, ruling alone, is a force, confining. And passion unattended… is a flame that burns to its own destruction.”

-Kahlil Gibran

“There will always be something to ruin our lives. It all depends on what or which finds us first. We are always ripe and ready to be taken.”

-Charles Bukowskil

“Who knows what true happiness is? Not the conventional word… but the naked terror. To the lonely themselves it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory… or illusion.”

-Joseph Conrad

“Time takes it all. Whether you want it to or not. Time takes it all, time bears it all away… and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness and sometimes we lose them there again.”

-Stephen King

“He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream. And he sometimes wondered whose it was… and whether they were enjoying it.”

-Douglas Adams

“Let us drop these breadcrumbs, so that together we find our way home… because losing your way would be the most cruel of things.”

-Hansel (to Gretel)

“We all live in a house of fire. No fire department to call, no way out. Just the upstairs window to look out of, while the fire burns the house down… with us trapped, locked in it.”

-Tennessee Williams

“You must have long-range goals to keep you from being frustrated by short-range failures."

-Charles Noble

“Keep away from people who try to believe you ambition small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you can too become great.”

-Mark Twain

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest. The glory of god that is within us and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

-Marianne Williamson (also used in “Akeelah and the Bee” and Nelson Mandela’s Inauguration Speech)

“Don’t let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.”

-Leigh Dunlap

“I can’t sleep without knowing there’s hope. Half the night I waste in sighs, in a wakeful doze I sorrow. For the hand, the lips, the eyes. For the meeting of tomorrow.”

-Tennyson

“Some people see things as they are and ask why, others dream things that never were and ask why not?”

-George Bernard Shaw

“You save all your money in a piggy bank to buy a bike. But when you break open your bank you realize it wasn’t a bike yo4u were saving for, but a Harley”

-Lois Lane (Smallville)

“Don’t judge a man by his answers, but by his questions”

-Unknown

“Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.”

-Unknown

“Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred, how did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us, that we now send our children into the world like we send young men into war, hoping for their safe return, knowing that some will be lost along the way… When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows… swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it yours?”

-Lucas Scott (OTH – 3.16)

“You should be ashamed of yourself. There are kids inside our school [in our world] fearing for their lives right now! Terrified that someone is going to put a gun in their face and pull the trigger, and you want to know how I’m feeling? Our pain is not a commodity for you. It’s not a news bite to boost your ratings because tomorrow or the next day or the next week, when we go back to school [back into life] changed forever by a day that will never leave us, where are you going to be? At the next tragedy thrusting your microphone in the face of the next fractured person asking how THEY feel? That’s not journalism. You are not contributing anything to society. You are buzzards circling the carnage, but you prey on the living. That is how I’m feeling, but something tells me you’re not going to air that.”

-Brooke Davis (OTH – 3.16)

“The stages of our Grief; Anger, Fear, Guilt, Depression, Acceptance… and the first seeds of grief [DENIAL]”

-Lucas Scott (OTH – 3.17)

“6,470,818,671 People in the world. 6,471,818,671 Souls, and sometimes all you need is ONE.”

-Peyton Sawyer (OTH – 3.17)

“It’s funny how you think you really know yourself, like you would never lose yourself to someone else…”

-Katherine McPhee – Everywhere I go

.senior.year.biographies.[shaunzi].

Here it is. I decided today that I'm done being... whatever I was. I wasn't mad, I was simply frustrated. But, through it all, Shaunzi is among my best of friends. So here is the last of my biographies. To those of you who may be saying, "why didn't he write one for me?" I simply admit, I chose those of my friends that I felt made the biggest impact on my senior year alone. So all of my other friends that I have left out so to speak, are still important to me.

This is the final of my biographies. Shaunzi is last, but not because she is any more important to me than my other friends, but that she has helped me more than I will ever be able to explain. She was the first person I came out to, and has always been there for me.

Shaunzi, being the “boy-loving” girl she is, had a huge crush on me. When I was dating Sophie, she hated me and always said that Sophie was stupid for dating such a jerk. I was a jerk, and I deserved her judgment. The last time I broke it off with Sophie and truly decided it was over, and I was done pretending, Shaunzi had decided she still wanted to be friends with me, which sufficiently ended her relationship with Sophie, which was never really a healthy one (in my opinion). I am glad that this happened because if not, Shaunzi and I would not be half the friends we are today. Shaunzi being in love with me, and me clearly being gay… has and continues to present a big problem for our friendship. I had to figure out how to get her off of me, without coming out. So I basically decided to be a super douche and tell Shaunzi to back off or else. Haha :) She would probably say I yelled at her… which is pretty close to what happened… I think that telling her she needed to get over me really NEVER worked. I knew that she would always love me, but that, hopefully, the love would change into another kind of love… There has been a lot of trauma with this problem, and it has put a big fork in our friendship. In starting college Shaunzi moved to logan to attend Utah State. I stayed home. In growing apart, Shaunzi has realized what an integrated part of her life I have been. I know it’s not the same for a girl to get over a guy, especially when the guy is so freaking awesome (self-righteous?, No!!!) but I have had the hardest time understanding why it’s such a traumatic process. I simply have to realize that it's not the same for me as it is for her, and that we BOTH have things that need to be done to move past this little "problem" :)

As the year progressed we grew closer and closer. Near inseparable. It was very bittersweet because I wanted to tell her the truth about myself and not have to lie to her anymore. It sucked lying to her and lying to everyone around me…. But, Senior Year couldn’t have been better if I didn’t have her… she made everything so amazing… EVERYTHING I’m so glad we found one another and ended the year on a high note… I hope that our lives, just like high school, will end on high notes, and that we both find who/what makes us truly happy.

.timeline.[break].

I don’t need to be cured. Just like I don’t need to cut myself to feel, or think.

From now on, no one rewires my mind but me.

Back in Diego, the doctors said that I could learn to control my behavior, and I have. You all helped, in one way or another.

But you know what? It’s not my behavior I’m worried about anymore. It’s yours.

That’s why you won’t be seeing me for a while, maybe a long time. David and I are staying out here in the wild.

You all say you need us. Well, maybe you do, but not to help you. You have enough help, with the millions of bubbly new minds about to be unleashed, with all the cities coming awake at last. Together, you’re more than enough to change the world without us.

So from now on, David and I are here to stand in your way.

You see, freedom has a way of destroying things

You have your New Smokes, your new ideas, whole new cities and New Systems.

Well . . . we’re the new Special Circumstances.

Whenever you push too far into the wild, we’ll be here waiting, ready to push back.

Remember us every time you decide to dig a new foundation, dam a river, or cut down a tree. Worry about us. However hungry the human race becomes now that the pretties are waking up, the wild still has teeth. Special teeth, ugly teeth. Us.

We’ll be out here somewhere – watching. Ready to remind you of the price the Rusties paid for going to far.

I love you all. But it’s time to say good-bye, for now.

Be careful with the world, or the next time we meet, it might get ugly.

- Tally Youngblood

In a strange turn of events, I’m left with 2 biographies to post/write, and no motivation to do at least 1 of the 2. I have a core of what I want to say, but I’m lost as to where to start. Do I put ALL of the problems aside and treat everything like its… ok… when it’s not? I read nearly the entire book Specials by Scott Westerfeld (Book 3 of the Uglies series) after remember how vivid it left me. I love when you read something, and the meaning the author (or the character written by the author) is trying to portray comes across so bluntly into your life. As a reader THAT is what I look for. Something that can intrigue me and make me contemplate what I’M doing with my life. What I can do to make the world a better place. Who I need to be to make people around me happy, and more importantly make ME happy.

So should I write post when I’m not motivated. No. Should I do or say something that isn’t 100% what I need. No.

I apologize to you as a reader, if I’ve left you hanging. Left you wanting more… But as of now. It seems I’m going to have to skip at least 1 post. Matter of fact, here’s the biography I feel I can post right now.

.senior.year.biographies.[sophie].

This encompasses so much more than just senior year. I would say since the last major “break-up” Both Sophie and I have grown exponentially. I find myself almost missing the immaturity. I see my friends struggling through high school, and honestly feel a longing to be back there. With college I can choose not to be friends with people that don’t like me, and rarely ever see them. In high school, you’re crammed into a building full of hormonal pissy teenagers. And guess what? You see everyone. Even the people you don’t like. No matter how much you try, you’re bound to see someone you don’t like, or doesn’t like you, at least once a day. So why do I miss that? Well, I’ll tell you why. Because It’s consistent. I’ve learned in the last week or two, that I hate inconsistencies. I don’t like when people act or appear one way and then completely change overnight. I don’t like when I’m not in control of whats going on around me. I don’t like when I say something I shouldn’t and have to go to a class everyday and regret what I did. Regret how stupid and desperate I made myself seem. Sorry to rant. But, college is stressful. It’s completely inconsistent and puts a wrench in my OCD blender, crashing the tiny metal blades into the chunk of mass-produced hardware. All of this just so happens to fall under Sophie, because through all of my relationship with Sophie I have been able to rely on it being consistently… … broken. We’re both so messed up, yet so put together. I think Sophie would agree with me that no matter how much the world throws at us, no matter how much either of our families can make us crazy, it doesn’t matter. We are strong people, and we can stand up for ourselves in any kind of weather.

Sophie will always be listed among my BEST friends. I have always said, it’s hard to pick ONE best friend, but that I have many. And Sophie definitely fits in that category. She is important to me, even if I don’t make that very clear. Through everything with her, I always hoped it would end like it has. With a “happily ever after” even though it may not be the conventional HEA, it’s more than good enough for Walter. For Walter’s OCD consistency loving brain.

.senior.year.biographies.[anna].

Anna Bowman was integrated into my life through my friend Shaunzi. Our friendship was a weird one, because we went practically straight from being introduced to Anna falling in love with me. I have some weird girl friends that love gay guys apparently… because what Anna was feeling was a mutual feeling among the group of girls, and caused quite a bit of drama. I feel bad for the way I acted to her. I let her believe too much and told her too much to lead her into a love and a life that wouldn’t ever come from me. I was stupid in the way I told her we would get married and live lives next door to each other and shat. It was stupid of me to be so immature when I knew eventually I would have to come out and tell her I was gay, and deal with the repercussions of lying to her.



Anna is another of the most brilliantly talented girls I know. She can play circles around my piano playing abilities. She plays the cello better than I’ve ever seen. Anna attends the Cleveland Institute of Music, which is just one example of how amazing she is. She hates when I spread around how amazing she is, but I know deep down she knows it:) Another example of this kind of talent is a video that I will post a link to, is the SYTYCD performance of “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles. Watch the girl, Kayla, in the video. I don’t know why, but when I saw this performance, the sheer majesty and grace that Kayla performs with, reminded me of Anna. And while she is at The Cleveland Institute of Music, or wherever her life takes her, I know I can watch that video and remember my friend Anna.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rEOVyxuLac&feature=related

Along with being an amazing daughter of god, Anna comes from a wonderful family. I don’t know a lot about them, but from what I’ve seen and the few conversations I’ve had with Anna’s parents I know they are wonderful people. I come from a family of wonderful people. I know they all have their differences and they are all unique in their own way, and I think Anna’s family is much like mine. I think that’s why I can relate to them so much. They are amazing people in their own right, and they are more than accepting of me, which is completely amazing.

.senior.year.biographies.[todd].

I feel like out of all of my friends, Todd is the one I owe the most. Meeting him my senior year, was like meeting a therapist. It was and is so medicinal to have someone I can relate to. He is a straight version of me. He’s my metro-sexual little brother. I started my senior year with a loathing hate for Todd. He had everything I thought I wanted; Chamber Choir member, a friendship with the people I wanted, and most of all, he’s beyond skinny and has a body I only dream of having, and I was jealous. Sorry for the awkwardness… haha. Basically I got over my hate for him, and we became the greatest of friends. I don’t know what I would do If I lost Todd. Part of the reason I started this blog, was that I finally came out to him, and because I did so I am finally able to be honest with the world.

Todd Bean. Wow. He is weird, crazy, hyperactive, completely dance crazed, dramatic, talented, and absolutely strong in anything he does. It’s crazy. I’ve never met someone with such an intense love for music. And a thriving love for life. I know that whenever I have issues, Todd is able to be accepting of me and put me right back into the perspective of life. As far as my senior year goes, Todd became my best friend. And I don’t know what I would do without him now. He brings a smile to my face just by being his bitchy little self all the time. It’s amazing to me. The relationships he has with Kara, Rachel, and even Anna, aren’t maybe the healthiest, but it is magic to me how he makes it all work, and when it isn’t working, he still makes it all… well work, without working… that makes no sense on paper, but it’s the fact that he is true to himself even when it’s all falling apart in front of him. Whenever he says he’s not going to talk to them for “a month” or whatever I know it will last not even half of what he says, because he is forgiving and loving of his friends.

With Todd, there is very little of a “grace period”. He is down to a schedule and likes knowing when and where things are happening. A common txt from Todd is,

“Where? Time Gauge?”

Not only do I smile every time he says this, but it’s a simple example of Todd. I bring this up, because I feel like Todd is reliable in being himself. I had a hard time in high school dealing with people that couldn’t be themselves around certain people. They would change depending on who they’d be around, and live multi-faceted lives. This makes NO sense to me, yet I was living the ultimate façade throughout high school, but that’s beside the fact, I don’t understand how people can change who they are so quickly around different people. My junior year I drove home two girls nearly every day from the high school, and at the end of the year one of the girls said something that has really stuck with me especially in the last few months…

“You taught me to be proud of the person I am, and to not care what people think of me”

I remember when she said that feeling like I had finally affected someone. Like the confidence I had been trying to show had finally come through and been made prevalent to someone other than just myself. Todd has a way of showing that same confidence. Knowing that the world may not accept the person he is, and knowing that they may judge… but that he will still be Todd. And He will be proud to be Todd. That is a hard thing for a lot of people, especially in high school. As much as I want to act better than everyone around me, I learn new things about the person I want to be and the person I am every day, and Todd, and the rest of my friends do a GREAT job at putting me into perspective and making it known that I have room to grow… in a good way.

When high school ended I wrote all of my friend’s letters; Todd’s means a lot to me. It’s the only one out of the group that I feel contains the most truth. I know that everything he has in that letter contains the definition of our friendship, and I hope that he values those words as much as I do. (Even if a paragraph repeats the same words over and over)

:)

.senior.year.biographies.[kara].

Kara Woodbury. Where do I start? If you want to have a political, social, emotional, physical, or any other kind of heated debate KARA is your girl. SERIOUSLY! I first met her in voice lessons although I really never put the face with the name. Kara moved to Germany and returned half way through my senior year, and left me a little in confusion about who she was… when she got back everyone kept saying “KARA’S BACK” and I was so confused about this…

“Who’s Kara” I asked my friend Shaunzi.

“She’s the brunette girl that took voice from Janilyn with us”

“Which one? I’m lost”

“You’ll remember when you see her” and boy was Shaunzi right… the minute I saw her I was like OH YOU’RE HER!!!!! I gave her a hug and knew that our friendship would blossom. I don’t have a lot to say about Kara, because I will cover much more about her in later posts. I just have to say, Kara is brilliant. She makes you happy, especially when you want to be angry… and also angry when you want to be happy. She is the perfect blend of sarcasm and truth. As well as a bluntly wonderful personality she is one of the naturally pretty girls I’ve ever met…

“I decided I’m not going to wear make-up anymore” she said.

“Hahaha, how’s that going for you”

“Really good!”

Within the last few weeks my friends haven't been exactly "friends" with each other. I know they have differences as people and are never going to be so alike in personality types that they can spend EVERY moment with each other, and I have to say, I'm so glad that they (Kara and the rest of them) can continue to be friends with me, so that I know they are true friends and not just in it for something material, or some altered version of platonic love… Kara is a loving person. As much as she may show a hard exterior and she acts (and is) better at things than the rest of us, she has SO MUCH to give to the people in this world. She will do nothing but the best and bring nothing but happiness to those that are graced with her presence. I remember, and will never forget, everything she has done for me. I owe much of my sanity to Kara. I owe much of my life.

.senior.year.biographies.[rachel].

Rachel Mortensen is by far the most talented girl I know. Let’s talk about her for just a minute here. I kept her as close as possible because personalities like hers are extremely addictive. She makes even the worst moments amazing, and makes you happy just by being around her. At the beginning… haha… of the year, we sang for the homecoming pageant the song “at the beginning” from Anastasia. It was unbelievable being able to hear her voice so close up, and know that she is JUST THAT GOOD! I can’t believe it… I think since we did that, the rest of the year fell into place, and we were destined to be friends. I knew that whatever I threw at her, that she would be my friend through the darkest of it all, and she would accept me for who I am. The year progressed and the “group” molded to include more people and exclude others, but it ALWAYS included Rachel. She was and is a constant in my life that I will most likely never be able to live without. When prom prep rolled around, I knew I wanted to ask someone that would make it completely memorable. Having taken Emily Evans my junior year, and enjoying it, without being in a group I enjoyed and not really having much of a friendship with Emily. I knew I wanted to take someone that I had a good friendship with and be in a group where we could truly enjoy ourselves. Rachel.

I sang “so close” from enchanted at the school talent show and during the piano break had the tech crew raise the lights and asked her to prom in front of the school… at least the ones that went… I think she liked it, and I knew I had enjoyed it, and am really glad that it went so well. If I can post videos up here I will do so, or I will post it on YouTube and make a link... We’ll see!!

Rachel is the sum of a friend. I know that she will always love me, and I will always love her. No matter how different we are, and how much we may "grow" apart, we will always have an underlying friendship that will withstand the years, and the differences. I love Rachel, and as she would say, "You are my BEST friend!"

.senior.year.biographies.[bronte].

Having taken LDS seminary classes all throughout my high school experience the only thing that brought me back my senior year, was graduating for my parents. I wanted them to have that for me… but it’s stupid. My junior year my seminary class consisted of people I hate, and one girl I knew I would be friends with… Bronte Bitaraf. Unfortunately for her, reading this blog may be the first time she hears that I’m gay from me. (actually not true, she found out through the grape-vine, and I confirmed over txting... What a great thing txting is...)

Being a gay male, I feel like I’m pretty in tune with my surroundings and I know what people are saying. As far as that goes, Bronte never wanted to accept that I was trying to help her be a better person and help her grow out of high school. The gist of the whole friendship is that I was always telling her what she was doing wrong, and she hated it. I admit that I have my faults, but she never ever wanted to admit that… she hated that she wasn’t perfect… she slutted up her life with stupid men that I told her would do nothing but use her… she quit the perfect job I got for her at chili’s and made me look like a complete ass for having them hire her, and she’s done nothing since to make me want to repair the broken shitty friendship we had. She doesn’t have enough respect for herself to have respect for people around her. It’s genetic failure in my opinion. I can’t believe how much drama flows from one person.

Since writing this, I have cooled off a bit, but I still agree with everything I said, I just want to add, that although bronte did some terribly stupid things, she was a great friend. She stood up for me when no one else would, and she put herself out there more than any other girl I know. I love her, but I can't be friends with someone that drives me that crazy. I avoid facebook invites, txt messages, and phone calls, NOT because I hate her. NOT because I thinks she's a bitch... but because I simply can't find a reason good enough to validate us being friends. I'm a selfish person, and I need something to come out of a friendship. Very little did I recieve out of the friendship we had, and I don't plan on going back to the drama that is bronte.

.[skip].a.bit.?.

I’m going to shorten this post a bit.

Basically between Junior Year and halfway through my Senior Year I did nothing but create and mend drama with Sophie. It was a bunch of shat that is completely pointless. And I want to just say that, instead of going through all of it. It’s pointless. I want to skip all of that, because it just gets monotonous. I know it may seem like its part of who I am… but being gay, it IS all very pointless.

Senior Year brought a whole new adventure. I registered for classes I knew I would enjoy and I was going to be able to slack a lot. Making my life much easier and much happier… Meeting the friends I did, and the people I associated myself with truly changed my life. I am going to post short biographies, which state how I feel about the select few of these people I can truly say impacted me the most.

These posts will go up every other day, starting today. I will post the first one short after posting this, and continue until all of them are posted.

I also need to make a public apology. I switched out several names in my story telling, and have aparently used a name that has created problems with that person. I must say I am truly sorry for the confusion. And for anyone that is questioning if I am "bashing" on someone and you don't agree, please send me an e-mail, and I will clear any questions up as to who I am REALLY talking about. Thank you for reading, and for understanding.

.high.school.[drama].

Working at chili’s I was integrated in an environment much like high school. If you’ve ever heard the song “High School Never Ends” by bowling for soup, I’m suggesting you listen to it. I knew that although I was in high school, and everyone says it’s amazing, that the pissy parts of it were going to continue through all of my life, not just end when high school did

As a precursor to my High School story, and my coming out, I would like to say this. I waited to come out till after high school, because I knew the superfluous judgment that floats in the halls, and I didn’t want to be the topic of conversation. I dealt with Tyler coming out in high school and seeing the horror it brought. I knew I didn’t want that. So lying about who I was and living the ultimate façade was the way I was going to enjoy high school and be the most of myself that was possible without coming out.

I really wish I had known a lot about high school before diving in. Someone should’ve told me take choir, drama, and spirit team ALL three years… I’m sure someone did tell me, but I obviously didn’t listen. But looking back, if I had done it any other way I wouldn’t have the friends I have now and I wouldn’t be half as good a person. I know that I made seriously impaired judgment calls in an attempt to be happy, and it worked… sort of.

Splitting classes between AF and PG helped me see both sides of who I wanted to be in life. I made friends with a kid I KNEW was gay at AF and continued being friends with my “girlfriend” at PG. I had the ‘best of both worlds’ to quote the fatty Miley Cyrus. It was perfect and perfectly flawed.

One thing I started in high school was a writing book. Or what I’ve come to call a book full of crap or my little book of lies… Because as I wrote, I wrote about girls, and dating, and drama… all of this revolved around me pretending to be straight… It’s a web of lies that makes spiders’ look stupid. I would post the whole book, but I doubt that would be as interesting as I hope it would be. I will quote my façade self here and there and attempt to make sense of the integrated drama that was high school. Also, my tacher required us to answer certain questions, and some of them explain a lot about me so I will post according to what I feel appropriate.

I don’t remember much from my sophomore and Junior Years because so much of it was lies and deceit that I have since phased much of it out of my life in an attempt to forget the trauma I wrought on those around me. I know I broke Sophie’s heart more than once, and broke my own by not being myself and sacrificing who I was for ultimate happiness in high school.

.junior.high.and.[sophie].hall.

The A.L.L. program really pulled me away from the friends I had made at my original elementary school, so starting Junior High, I had a fresh slate (somewhat) to start with, and made friends mostly through percussion. I became friends with Jake Forsyth and Cameron Jestice. Over the next 3 years we went through a lot of stupid drama and things I regret saying and doing. I was a total douche and treated them with very little respect. I knew that they were good kids and I lied to them about things that were completely unnecessary.

The advanced percussion class was moved in with the symphonic band, thus I was moved with Sophie Hall. I don’t remember the dynamics of us becoming friends, but I do remember it happened fast and I wasn’t upset about that. I started hanging out with her at lunch and hanging out with Cameron and Jake less. I loved how much Sophie and I had in common and how much we were able to co-exist, unlike Jake and Cameron.

I first started… what you would probably call dating… being with Sophie, somewhere in the midst of Junior High and high school. It probably happened more towards high school, but I’m such a space case I can’t remember. I do remember hanging out with her at her house for the first time, and knowing that her parents loved me right off the bat. They loved me because I made her happy… mostly. Basically for those of you that have watched One Tree Hill, Sophie and I had a very Nathan and Peyton relationship, minus the sex. We were happy but very volatile to one another. It was so stupid that I let her believe half of the crap we talked about. She always knew I was gay, I mean come on… It’s pretty obvious, but I think she wanted me to be straight so badly that she pushed aside the fact that we never kissed, and never did much other than watching movies and talk, so that she could have a “relationship” with Chase Pont.

The façade that I built all throughout junior and senior high school is brilliant. If someone wanted to write a book on how to act straight and live a happy gay life through high school, I think I’d be a pretty good source… other than the complete douche bag jocks of the school who can’t accept gay people at all; I pretty much had the “keys to high school life: map” in my pocket. I feel like I convinced enough people to satisfy myself and keep me from going completely bonkers.

As junior high ended Sophie and I became much closer. We spent a crap load of time together and I can’t believe how much I loved and hated her at the same time. My first two years of high school I did both American Fork and Pleasant Grove in order to “challenge” myself and allow me to take Japanese. American Fork brought a whole new lifestyle of partying for me. Although I never drank and did any drugs I went to many parties where those things were openly used. By this time, I had started working at Chili’s and was making enough money to support a happy high school life. I was able to provide what I wanted for myself, and even cover a little of what I thought I needed and didn’t get from my parents.

The first party I went to I got a ride from a girl I’d met in English. Her name was Kenzie Smith. Kenzie compared to Sophie (my current… I guess you could say “girlfriend”) was night and day. Sophie is a good girl. Kenzie well… isn’t. I ended up driving her car home from a couple of the parties she took me to, because she got really wasted… Basically I never told Sophie about Kenzie, because Kenzie liked me and was much more aggressive about it. I’m glad that she was always drunk when she “made her move” because it was easier to act into it, when she really didn’t know how I was reacting. Mind you to this day she probably doesn’t remember kissing me, and I wish I could forget. As proof of me being gay, to those of you doubting it, I haven’t ever been so repulsed in my life. Kenzie made me sick. Don’t get me wrong she’s really pretty and has a lot going for her, but her kissing me was like licking a bag of horse shit and expecting not to vomit.

After several ‘break-ups’ Sophie and I went through I finally told Kenzie I didn’t want to party with her anymore, and that she should realize it wasn’t worth it. I told her I wanted to make things work with Sophie and it wasn’t going to work if I continued to hang with her. A load of crap. All of it. I was so integrated in lies at this point it’s ridiculous. Sophie and I grew together. We both have become people that are so different from the 8th grade kids we were 5 years ago. I guess that’s what happens…

.curiosity’s.[uprising].

::Before starting the intensities that lie in this post, I’d like to write a simple disclaimer. This post deals with addiction to porn, and the things that it has done to my life. I may be saying too much, but it seems relevant to my story for you to understand, as my reader, what I went through and the struggle this billion dollar industry puts into the lives of those of us with even a minute sense of curiosity::

After losing the opportunity of being with Jake, my addiction to porn grew more and more. I didn’t have a boy that I could explore more curiosity with, so I had to do it on my own. I spent more and more of my “alone” time on the computer, and more and more of my spirituality was sucked into the computer screen.

It’s sad that the industry is so successful at pulling those of us with curiosity in, and that it works. I wish I could explain to you the addiction. I’ve never been addicted to anything else, but I can tell you it is absolutely near impossible to quit porn. I started all of those years ago and am only now able to say that I know I don’t need it, and am able to control it.

Without being too graphic, I’d like to tell how it unfolded.

I started by searching for pictures using Google and limewire. I knew that there was more out there, but wasn’t ready to accept that I wanted to see more. I printed out several of the pictures and kept them in my room for when I didn’t have access to a computer. I needed to validate who I was without telling anyone, and to me porn was the way to make being gay seem normal.

Once I had seen what I thought was everything that pictures had to offer me, I started finding sites that updated weekly, if not daily and could keep me more interested. I would watch more and more videos and as I watched each one, inside of me it just became more and more real. I was and am gay. I hadn’t ever wanted to accept it. And wouldn’t publically accept it for almost 4 more years… I bought my first subscription to a website a week and a half after getting my debit card. I purchased a one month non-recurring subscription in hopes (complete stupidity) that I wouldn’t get even more addicted and spend more money on this than I wanted to.

The two sites I liked most were practically the same cost and I bought ‘non-recurring’ subscriptions what I would exaggerate as maybe half a dozen times. It may actually be more. I don’t want to remember… The last couple times I purchased subscriptions I started downloading the videos and keeping them on my laptop (recently acquired) so I didn’t have to purchase another subscription.

Watching videos, Looking at pictures, and doing it in secret had become such a BIG part of my life. I would spend hours at night, and even times when I knew no one could see my laptop screen, my phone, or my psp, I would be looking at it. I think it’s fairly safe to assume if someone is into porn they are also masturbating. I am no exception. Masturbation is Satan’s way of taking our bodies purity. As much as homosexuality has its differences from the LDS church’s view of what’s right and wrong, I personally have my boundaries, and know what I think is acceptable. Masturbation does NOT fall into that category. It’s extremely selfish, and is an “instant gratification” technique. Almost everything that falls into that category leads to a consequence of instant dissatisfaction. Every time I masturbated I felt like a failure. Like I’d given in to the carnal needs of my body…

One thing I have to say is I learned as much as any teenager could about avoiding having my parents find the porn I had, and was viewing. It took them finding porn on my PSP, the home computer, my brothers computer and my home computer a couple more times before I figured out every loop hole and had them covered. So to any parents out there, or spouses, if you find porn ONCE do what you can to get that person help. Not just ground them from the computer for a month or a week. Or ask them not to do it again… I love my parents, and they didn’t have someone telling them they needed to do more, but I AM! I’m telling you to get help. Do EVERYTHING you can to help those people. I can answer many questions if you have them. It needs to be known that if someone is looking for porn, and trying to do it secretly, they ARE going to find it, and get away with it.

I’ll leave the porn story there, because it truly ends with me coming out, but I do think it's appropriate to tell you, I have deleted all of the videos and pictures off of my laptop, and have seen a HUGE increase in the happiness with every aspect of my life. I never realized how it made me self-concious, made me feel inadequate, and made me truly un-happy. I ask anyone that is addicted to seek help. If I am the help you need, then please send me an email, and I will be more than willing to be your advocate for overcoming the issue.

.the.[beginning].

I had a very interesting day today, and in the spur of all of the destruction I’ve caused I realized the things I have to say, the things I say to myself and never to the world. I then remembered the impact the first blog I ever read had on me. I am here; who I am today because of what I learned, and the person that wrote the things I learned taught me. I need to express my feelings because if something I have to say has even a minute impact in someone’s life then I owe it to them to write.

I want to start at the very beginning. Or what I can remember of the beginning. Several names have been changed for the protection of myself, and the people involved in my story. I also have to paraphrase several conversations by what I remember of them, not exactly what the people said… if you were part of these conversations and I have faulted you, please let me know. I’m not perfect and definitely won’t be able to remember each conversation word for word.

For as long as I can remember I’ve never been the typical little boy. I never enjoyed sports and the lifestyles of the normal “straight” boy. I always knew that I was the definition of different; I used to spend hours after each day of school crying, because I knew that I wasn’t accepted. I was raised in Utah where the LDS Church is the dominant religion. School was like attending church in that the church had so many of the teachers under its belt... With separation of church and state being completely irrelevant in Utah, the teachers absolutely taught by the church, and although It’s unfortunate, I was raised with beliefs that I now value and love and shouldn’t complain. I remember having recess in 4th grade and being miserable because my friends, all being girls, had begun to grow apart from me. I attempted making friends with the boys of my grade, but lost all of my progress when I braided Megen’s hair at the end of class.

I spent all of my free time after school hanging out with my friends. Up to 5th grade I made really close friends with 3 guys. Taylor Nelson, Kendall Humes and Kaden Newbold. We did everything boys wanted to do… built club houses, played Nintendo (soon to be replaced by Xbox), and anything that involved having a blast. I had never had that much fun, and definitely not with boys. At the same time as hanging out with them, I hung out with Beau Carter, Tyler Christensen, and Jake Jerrison. As far as Beau and Tyler go, I was friends with them from church, and living so close together. Beau was and is a rebel. He loves girls more than any person I know and I enjoyed my friendship with him. He was awesome and we never really had many problems. Tyler on the other hand, had many issues, and in turn our friendship had issues. I never truly accepted him as my friend, and I think the feeling was mutual. I have several bad memories of him; choking me in the Chapel, Telling me he had sex with his male cousin, Writing a hit list in Jr. High, and many more. The three of us grew further apart as Tyler came closer to coming out of the closet. He grew up angry at his family and the world and his coming out brought a lot of his anger to the surface. For me I never got along with him, but I enjoyed hanging out with him at the same time.
Time went on and Tyler came out, moved away, moved back, and is currently the biggest PDA gay I’ve ever met, and it honestly makes me sick.

I haven’t talked to Beau in about a year. I will see him places I go and wave or talk to his mother and get updates from her. But in general I don’t know much about his life and what he’s doing.

The other three boys, Taylor, Kendall, and Kaden, were all fine. I hung out with them religiously the summer of fourth grade, and we spent literally every spare minute building, and playing Xbox. When school started for 5th grade, I went out for recess, and went to find my friends. Given my wondrous history with guy friends, I had seen this coming… I had to run after them and never really caught up with them. I cried that day after school. After a few hours of depression, my mom came into my room to tell me that the A.L.L. program (Accelerated Learning Labs) had called and I was the first alternate. We went down to the school, and talked to my teacher. She was overweight, clearly had never been pretty a day in her life, and loved to take it out on innocent little children. Hated that class and hated that teacher. Surprisingly I continued to be friends the three boys, because apparently me not being at the same school made it acceptable to be my friend.
Kaden’s parents got divorced, Taylor moved, and Kendall’s parents’ house was bought out by realtors and made into a lot of 5-6 houses. In the gist of it, we lost contact. Or at least I did with them.

In the A.L.L. program I learned… nothing. It was practically the same as normal school. The only difference I can remember is that I had another thing about me that was different and people used against me. I hated the names I was called and the experience altogether.

Upon starting Jr. High, I started dressing how I wanted to, and asking my parents to buy me preppier clothes. I loved knowing I was dressed better than people around me, and it gave me a confidence I hadn’t ever known. I’ll skip some of the pointless friendships I had, but I need to backtrack to Jake Jerrison. Throughout all of my experiences up to Jr. High, I always had this secret friendship/relationship with Jake. We were sneaking around either at his house or mine, being curious little boys, and we did many things that were “wrong” according to what we’d been taught. My curiosity pushed me into porn at the same time as all of this was happening. I would take what I would see in porn and put it to use with Jake. It was sad, but I completely enjoyed every minute of it. I was watching a movie in my Brother Dave’s room, when my dad came down.

“Chase, is there something you want to tell me?”

“No, not that I can think of” when really I knew what he was talking about… and I could tell he was disappointed that I didn’t want to be honest with him.

“Something that happened with Jake?” I didn’t respond. I sat there waiting for him, knowing he was going to yell at me either way, whether I said something or not. “You know what you’ve done wrong, and you will be calling the bishop and setting up an interview with him.”

“Ok.” The conversation was pretty vague, but this was the first time he had heard anything about me being gay, and it sucked that he was so disappointed.

::After reading through this, and scanning my terrible memory... the pieces didn’t fit exactly as told. It happened that Jake, or his parents, told the bishop and the bishop asked me to tell my dad, which I never did. When he came down, I knew he had been told by the bishop what had happened, and he then asked me to set up another interview with the bishop about what my consequence would be::


“Hello, Chase!” My enthusiastic bishop called from behind his desk.

“Hey.” I made my way to the chair closest to his desk, which he motioned to.

“Chase, I want to start by saying we love you.” He stopped and looked at me. I wasn’t looking at him, but I knew he was waiting for me to look up. After doing so, he continued, “We love you. We, being me, your parents, and your heavenly father. We all are here for you no matter what.” He continued and told me what I had done was wrong and that he wanted me to stop taking the sacrament for a month. I did so, and didn’t do it happily. I saw Jake the first Sunday and watched him take the sacrament. I knew he or his parents had told the bishop, and I hated the fact that I was revoked the privilege of sacrament and he wasn’t. I haven’t talked to Jake in person since then. His family moved, and I never learned who really told the bishop. I knew I had my problems, and would’ve liked to talk to Jake about them. But apparently he’s not gay.

.[introduction].

I am starting this blog for many reasons. The most prominent of these is that I am daring to be myself. The title, .i.[will].dare., means many things to me. I would hope that reading my posts would inspire you to dare.

.i.[will].dare.

Dare to be happy, honest, loving, complex, important...
Dare to be myself no matter what the world would like me to be...
Dare to love my heavenly father even when life is hard, and I feel alone...
Dare to be the person I WANT to be; One that people can rely on. One that people respect and love without the facade I have worn for so many years.
Dare to hate the bad in the world, and do everything I can to fight it.

I ask you, as my reader, to be open minded and dare to feel what I've felt in my life. Dare to be the kind of person we all aspire to be.